Paramore tour.

A couple of weeks ago my brother and I drove to Melbourne to see Paramore and catch a plane to see them the next day in Sydney. The plan seemed simple enough but man, almost everything that could have gone wrong, did. Matt’s car died in the middle of Melbourne CBD in peak hour traffic, the car was fine and then it just wasn’t. The gear box just went. Add a 2 hour delay in our already late plans. We got to Paramore about half an hour before they came on stage and I was so tense and stressed. It all melted away when the lights went down. Next morning we flew to Sydney, spent the day in Sydney CBD and my friend Rach showed us around Glebe and a few other places. I was so physically and emotionally exhausted by the end of the day, as much as I’d been looking forward to seeing my favourite band of the last 12/13 years twice in 24 hours, I wanted it to be over so we could get back to Melbourne and I could sleep in a bed and not have a deadline to be somewhere. I didn’t enjoy Sydney and I’d happily never return there. The rest of the Melbourne trip was chill and what I needed. Paramore are amazing and I hope I catch them a few times in the states this year, I’ll never get enough of seeing them.

We ate some good vegan food, saw some friends and got tattooed and hung out with my babe Nat G and it made all the stress okay. I wouldn’t say the stress was worth it, it was 2 days of almost hell. But Nat’s presence and hugs brighten my life and make everything feel a little lighter. Social media has allowed me to meet so many great people, my love included. As bad as social media can be for me at times, other times it’s okay. I just try to limit my time on there now.

Tomorrow is my last day at work ever. I’ve had a really horrible week so it’s bittersweet. I’m relieved to be leaving but I’m sad at the same time. I really love some of the people I work with and have met through there and soon I’ll be on another continent and everything will be different. I’ve been really emotional and unstable this week and I catch myself tearing up all the time, I just keep trying to push it down. I don’t think these mood stabilisers are working for me, I don’t feel like anything is stabilised. I’m still getting violently angry at myself and I feel so raw all the time. When I was on zoloft I felt kinda like I was wrapped in bubble wrap and things didn’t get to me as much but now I feel like I’m full of lightning and it almost hurts to be alive. I don’t know how else to explain that so I guess I’ll leave it at that.

This turned more negative and honest than I intended but I’m going with it, because being truthful to myself even in my struggle within myself is important. I’m just gonna post some highlights from my trip to reflect on;

After Laughter has been a really important album for me since it came out and seeing AL songs live along with a song I never thought I’d get to experience live (I Caught Myself) this tour was really emotional for me.

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Making plans.

I’m 27 now and totally okay about it. I thought it would feel weird because I never saw myself surviving this long but I barely felt any different. Kae has decided we’re going to go to Iceland for my 30th and I’m actually excited about being able to get older and share the world with her. Somehow she just sets my soul at ease and I feel so much less restless with her around.

Yesterday was my 2 year vegan anniversary and I missed it. Again. I missed it last year too. I’ve decided to eat as many vegan doughnuts in Melbourne this week as I want as a gift to myself.

I go to Melbourne and Sydney this week for Tour Four/Paramore and I’m so excited. I haven’t seen them since they last came to Aus in 2014 and After Laughter is my favourite record they’ve ever put out, I’m really excited to see the new songs live. I’ve never been to Sydney but I’ll be going for about 24 hours. I think we’re going to roam around and check out the botanical gardens before we head to the venue.

I’ve officially given notice at my job and will be finishing up in the middle of March. It feels so weird that I’m finally leaving that place after seven years. I’m relieved and excited. I can’t wait to go to the states and be with my love. I’m excited for all the life we’ll get to experience together ❤. My life feels so much more peaceful since knowing her and I feel like the luckiest person in the world every day.

2017 wrap up.

Kae came to visit in November and we spent a week in Melbourne, visiting The Great Ocean Road, The Grampians and my home town where she met my family and my best friend. It was the first time we met in person and I was so nervous about kissing her and I was stressing myself out, I felt like a nervous teenager again but she eased my nerves immediately. As soon as I looked into her eyes I felt like I was home. I’ve never felt as comfortable and safe with someone as I do with her and it was such an easy decision for me to move out of my flat and leave my job in 2 months and fly to Florida to be with her. I never thought I’d be that person that said “when you know, you just know” but god, I just have a feeling and I need to run with it. I love this person and I love the way she makes me feel and the way she makes me want to be better to myself and I want her by my side while I heal and grow into a better version of myself, and I want to be there with her while she does the same. I’ve never felt like this before and I think all my heartache was preparing me for a relationship where I could actually see and feel my value.

I didn’t even get a final Christmas in my flat, I had expected to be there until after the holidays but they found a new tenant so fast. I’m relieved not to be paying rent anymore and to be able to pay off bills and debts but I miss my little home. I was not ready to move out yet, it was the only place that really felt like home to me and I thought I had more time to detach. Sebastian is slowly adjusting to living at my parents house, I think he thought I was dropping him off and leaving because he usually stays here while I’m away. He’s finally warmed back up to me and is sleeping with me again, it took him a week. I’m worried about leaving him for Florida for a few months. I don’t want him to hate me when I get back. I took him outside for a wander the other day and he loved it. I love seeing him excited about the dirt and the grass and the flowers. He’s so cute and sweet.

2017 was a pretty big year for me, I guess. I ended a relationship I thought I was happy in but I think I was misunderstood the entire time. I started seeing a new therapist and she’s great, I adore her and we get along really well. If she wasn’t my therapist I’d want to be her friend. I met Kae not long after I ended that other relationship, she messaged me on tumblr of all places and she said she knew that I had just ended a relationship and I wasn’t in a good place and she knew what I needed so she waited. It’s so strange to me that someone could feel like that about me before even really knowing me. I just know that she is my person and I want to experience everything with her. I’m really excited for what our life together will bring. I feel excited for the future for the first time in a really long time (possibly the first time in my life?) and I can’t wait.

Waterfalls, goals and 25.

So I’ve been gone from this for a little while (regrettably) and I thought about updating this so many times but never actually took the time to sit down and do it. So I just turned 25 and now I’m feeling that urge to do something with myself and my life. Last year I moved into my first place alone and while I struggled with so much ‘me’ time to begin with (and boy, did I whinge about it) now I’ve come to depend on it and require more alone time to recharge myself. I’m moving again in two weeks into somewhat of an apartment, cheaper rent, closer to town centre, bigger kitchen, no charge for water usage and a balcony!!! Kinda feels like I won the lottery with this one. I feel more determined than ever to actually go and complete my diploma so this year I really want to work on saving a lot of money and relocating to the city to get it done. I spent my 25th birthday in Halls Gap in The Grampians and swimming in a waterfall (Mackenzie Falls) and it was probably the best way to spend my birthday without really acknowledging it. I didn’t have a single breakdown about it, though I did have a couple of dreams about it. This year I really want to worry less about others and how I fit into their lives and just allow things to happen and not get too caught up in my emotions. Not sure how successful I’m going to be in that but I want to be happy within myself and not depend on others for validation. I’d also really like to not get caught up in my mental illness this year and not indulge in self destructive behaviours or things that I know will harm me. If not for myself, for someone else I care a lot about and don’t want to disappoint.

Simple goals for myself this year:

  • Save money.
  • Possibly travel to a state I’ve never visited. Swim in more waterfalls.
  • Find peace within myself and my life, even when I can’t control all situations.
  • Stress less about the little things.
  • Find new hobbies and interests that bring me happiness and validation from myself.