My mental health/stress leave is about to be up and the thought of returning to my job, which is my biggest trigger, has me on the verge of panic again. I just need to hold on another 4 months but 4 months feels impossible when I’m so anxious and on edge every day that I’ve been physically ill for weeks because of it. I get mad at myself when I can’t be like everyone else and work a normal work week without feeling myself shut down after one day, I hate that a job I don’t have to care about outside of my shifts there can affect every other part of my life and my ability to even want a life anymore. I don’t want to continue to slave away mentally and physically at a job that offers me no appreciation or growth as a person. I’ve been stagnant for years and my only satisfaction and sense of accomplishment came from pursuing romantic relationships which up until my current relationship with K, were all unhealthy and occasionally toxic relationships which fed into my mental illnesses and prevented me from making any real progress in healing. K is the first person I feel I can get better with and not just hide and lose myself in. I’ve never known someone who understood me the way she does and supports me and inspires me to be and get better. I want less time wasted in meaningless jobs and more time invested in my relationships with myself and the people around me. The only time I feel clarity and calm is when I am not at my job. I need to be somewhere that aligns with my values and currently I am in somewhere the opposite. I’m poisoning myself every day and I feel so much anger and resentment for others because of it.
Despite being in a bad place mentally, I’m trying to make a conscious effort to find things to be grateful for. So today I am grateful for:
all the beautiful flowers I saw today
the vegan coconut ice cream I had this afternoon
how much clearer and happier my skin is since cutting out foundation and changing my skincare routine; the fact that I am now comfortable leaving my house with minimal make up and have it be my “full face”
Sebastian for being my emotional support companion and best friend
the linda mccartney vegan 1/4 pound burgers that remind me of my favourite food pre-vegan days
fresh sheets, the cool spring breeze through my balcony window, the sound of passing traffic
My mental health is in such a weird place right now. I’m so anxious and on edge all the time, barely able to leave my house. Getting outside makes me feel better and grounds me but the process required to make me feel capable of walking out my door is frustrating. My job is currently my biggest trigger and I know this, but I am unable to change that right now. I am 4 months out from my pro-rata pay out hitting, my lease is up in August 2018 and that will be the time for change. I want to be able to leave my job when my pro-rata is available to me. K and I have been talking about when she’s going to move here. We want to do van life and then eventually have a tiny house when we find somewhere we want to settle. I want to be as self sufficient as possible and spend my life in nature. I need a simple life without so much influence and outside stress infiltrating my mind. It’s hard for me to accept that I just can’t necessarily handle what others can and I can’t cope within the same environments that others can. K is really great at helping me find clarity within myself, my BPD and anxiety; she truly is a blessing in my life. I’ve never felt for anyone the way I feel for her, I never really bought into the ‘when you know, you know’ thing, but god, I really feel like she is my person. Everything I’ve ever felt for anyone else is incomparable to what I feel for K. It’s funny how life works out, given that we are currently in different countries and we met via the internet and without it, our paths would never have crossed. We have too much in common and too much mutual understanding for us to not be together. Without the internet, would I have gone on, unable to find someone I could truly be intimate with; forever starving for that level of understanding and appreciation? She is truly the first person who has understood me and the things I struggle and suffer with, and made the idea of a future and life bearable. Exciting, even. K will be here on November 19 for a week and I can’t wait to be with her and make memories together. I’m taking her along the Great Ocean Road and to the Grampians, hopefully I can show my American some cute Aussie wildlife. I am more excited to show her my favourite/beautiful places than she is to see them. I know I don’t need to convince her to move to Australia, she’s already sold on it. We’re already making plans, logistics matter but what truly matters to both of us is that we are together. Everything is so small compared to us and the way we feel to each other. I feel complete and total security and safety with her which is something I’ve never felt with anyone before. I’m excited about our future and all the possibilities it entails.
Spring is finally arriving and I am so ready to come out of hibernation. Literally, I’ve lived in my room all winter, only emerging to go to work and shower or make food. I did a big clean of my apartment yesterday and my head feels clearer. Kara was down from Adelaide and suprised me on my doorstep on Sunday and we went out for brunch and vegan donuts. She totally brightened my day and last few weeks, mental health wise I’ve been feeling really flat and exhausted. I’m ready for warm weather and sun. I’m determined to make memories this summer and document good times.
Autumn is my favourite season. There’s probably something to be said about that, the way the trees shed their leaves and become nothing more than their skeletons. I find myself shedding myself every time a change of perspective occurs in my life, usually a lesson in the form of a relationship but I never get down to my skeleton. I don’t allow myself total vulnerability and exposure, everything I try to rebuild is superficial, I just want people to see me differently, to think I’m beautiful, something to be appreciated. But I do not appreciate myself. I’m not strong enough to be the tree that resprouts it’s leaves and rebuilds itself, I’m still the leaf that has fallen on the ground and is slowly eroding away. I need to stop giving myself to the dirt and the creatures who thrive in it and learn to nourish myself and grow by myself, for myself.
I got my second Supre order today and got this cool v neck tshirt dress (top left) for less than $17, it hides everything and it’s so soft and comfy, I love it. I’m still sick and I still feel it but I got dressed today and did my hair and put make up on to pretend I’m not as sick as I feel and it kinda worked! I’m not sure how I’ll go at work tomorrow but I guess we’ll see…I can’t afford more days off and I want to work as much as possible to spend money guilt free while I’m in Adelaide next month. I still need to book my tickets to Adelaide so I might do that after work tomorrow because I finish at like 2 or 2:30pm. I’m so unorganised! I’m so ready for this hot weather to be over, I just want autumn and winter already.
I slept until about 11am today because I don’t have to work until 4pm and I woke up with the worst cramps ever. But I got out of bed and did yoga and it kicked my ass because I haven’t done it in about a month because I got lazy and I was distracted by other things emotionally so I couldn’t focus when I tried to do it. I ate strawberries and drank green tea and for some reason I’m not craving greasy food yet and by this point I usually am so I’m glad that temptation isn’t there. I’m definitely craving pasta though.
My bed looks so inviting and I just want to spend my whole day there, or whats left of it. I’m doing a face mask right now and I’m going to write a list of things I need to order from Lush, body wash, hair treatment, all that basic stuff. I got hit on by a super hot girl last night via the internet but it definitely boosted my confidence because I don’t remember the last time someone called me beautiful or gorgeous and it felt genuine and not like they were just saying it or it was said in a way that I actually felt it. Apparently all the hot girls who are my type (that actually show an interest in me) live in America so I guess I need to move?
The weather has been so cold and rainy the past few days, I love it. I finally got my new phone from Optus even though its the wrong colour because they “don’t know” how long the wait on the white handsets will be. Useless, really. But the phone is great and it’s huge and I love it. I’m looking at getting a white decal sticker so I can pretend my phone is white and not the ugly gunmetal grey colour. I have two days off work now and I never get two days off in a row so I’m really excited. I have plans with a friend to go shopping and do girl things on Tuesday and I think I need it so I’m looking forward to it. I’ve been in an awful mood the past few days and I’m thinking its because of end of relationship feelings and its starting to take a toll on me. I just want to be over this already.
The past couple of days have been cold and rainy and it feels like winter is coming. It smells like rain outside and it’s amazing. Chai lattes, days spent in bed watching tv series on DVD, I love winter. Of course, I love autumn more so I’m excited for autumn to be just around the corner, mostly for photographic purposes but also for the clothing. I had my hair cut today and all she did was take the ends off but it looks and feels a lot shorter. Normally I’d be unhappy with this but it’s a change that I was craving, although its a small change, it’s still a change. I’m finding myself wanting to escape from myself and my life the past few days and I’m starting to feel insane. Everything is a lot easier now that I’m ‘out’ to all my relatives and a few of them have asked how I’m doing since Lauren and I broke up. But I’m doing fine, it honestly doesn’t feel all that different, I just don’t find myself waiting around and hoping for a text message anymore. I feel lighter. I splurged and bought an ipad the other day on an impulse decision and I’m not an impulsive person at all. I’m going to be close to broke for a few weeks but I plan to work more and extra hours so I can save for my holidays in March. I’m going to go up to Adelaide and visit Michael and he’s going to take me to gold class cinema and possibly take me to The Garden Of Unearthly Delights and I’m really excited. Excited to focus on myself for a while and just do things for me.