Autumn is my favourite season. There’s probably something to be said about that, the way the trees shed their leaves and become nothing more than their skeletons. I find myself shedding myself every time a change of perspective occurs in my life, usually a lesson in the form of a relationship but I never get down to my skeleton. I don’t allow myself total vulnerability and exposure, everything I try to rebuild is superficial, I just want people to see me differently, to think I’m beautiful, something to be appreciated. But I do not appreciate myself. I’m not strong enough to be the tree that resprouts it’s leaves and rebuilds itself, I’m still the leaf that has fallen on the ground and is slowly eroding away. I need to stop giving myself to the dirt and the creatures who thrive in it and learn to nourish myself and grow by myself, for myself.
I got my second Supre order today and got this cool v neck tshirt dress (top left) for less than $17, it hides everything and it’s so soft and comfy, I love it. I’m still sick and I still feel it but I got dressed today and did my hair and put make up on to pretend I’m not as sick as I feel and it kinda worked! I’m not sure how I’ll go at work tomorrow but I guess we’ll see…I can’t afford more days off and I want to work as much as possible to spend money guilt free while I’m in Adelaide next month. I still need to book my tickets to Adelaide so I might do that after work tomorrow because I finish at like 2 or 2:30pm. I’m so unorganised! I’m so ready for this hot weather to be over, I just want autumn and winter already.
I slept until about 11am today because I don’t have to work until 4pm and I woke up with the worst cramps ever. But I got out of bed and did yoga and it kicked my ass because I haven’t done it in about a month because I got lazy and I was distracted by other things emotionally so I couldn’t focus when I tried to do it. I ate strawberries and drank green tea and for some reason I’m not craving greasy food yet and by this point I usually am so I’m glad that temptation isn’t there. I’m definitely craving pasta though.
My bed looks so inviting and I just want to spend my whole day there, or whats left of it. I’m doing a face mask right now and I’m going to write a list of things I need to order from Lush, body wash, hair treatment, all that basic stuff. I got hit on by a super hot girl last night via the internet but it definitely boosted my confidence because I don’t remember the last time someone called me beautiful or gorgeous and it felt genuine and not like they were just saying it or it was said in a way that I actually felt it. Apparently all the hot girls who are my type (that actually show an interest in me) live in America so I guess I need to move?
The weather has been so cold and rainy the past few days, I love it. I finally got my new phone from Optus even though its the wrong colour because they “don’t know” how long the wait on the white handsets will be. Useless, really. But the phone is great and it’s huge and I love it. I’m looking at getting a white decal sticker so I can pretend my phone is white and not the ugly gunmetal grey colour. I have two days off work now and I never get two days off in a row so I’m really excited. I have plans with a friend to go shopping and do girl things on Tuesday and I think I need it so I’m looking forward to it. I’ve been in an awful mood the past few days and I’m thinking its because of end of relationship feelings and its starting to take a toll on me. I just want to be over this already.
The past couple of days have been cold and rainy and it feels like winter is coming. It smells like rain outside and it’s amazing. Chai lattes, days spent in bed watching tv series on DVD, I love winter. Of course, I love autumn more so I’m excited for autumn to be just around the corner, mostly for photographic purposes but also for the clothing. I had my hair cut today and all she did was take the ends off but it looks and feels a lot shorter. Normally I’d be unhappy with this but it’s a change that I was craving, although its a small change, it’s still a change. I’m finding myself wanting to escape from myself and my life the past few days and I’m starting to feel insane. Everything is a lot easier now that I’m ‘out’ to all my relatives and a few of them have asked how I’m doing since Lauren and I broke up. But I’m doing fine, it honestly doesn’t feel all that different, I just don’t find myself waiting around and hoping for a text message anymore. I feel lighter. I splurged and bought an ipad the other day on an impulse decision and I’m not an impulsive person at all. I’m going to be close to broke for a few weeks but I plan to work more and extra hours so I can save for my holidays in March. I’m going to go up to Adelaide and visit Michael and he’s going to take me to gold class cinema and possibly take me to The Garden Of Unearthly Delights and I’m really excited. Excited to focus on myself for a while and just do things for me.