I went to Adelaide a couple of weeks ago to hang out with Michael for the first time since January and see Balance and Composure and La Dispute and get my tattoo finished off. It was probably my most expensive four day trip ever (mostly because of my tattoo) but I definitely needed it and as soon as I stepped onto the tarmac I felt like I could breathe again. I’ve just felt like I’m suffocating here for so long and I feel like I’ve been watching myself drown without knowing how to pull myself out without the means of temporary escapes but as soon as I’m back here I start sinking again. I know I need to get out and I’m working towards that. A lot of things have come up this year that I want to do so I’ve been waiting around and wasting away waiting for these things to happen. I won’t be here this time next year, I’ve already decided. I checked out of this place and everything here a long time ago and I’m beginning to think that’s why I’m so tired and feel so lost all the time, my body is here but I am not and I’m trying to find and catch up to myself. No wonder I’ve been so run down for a year, I’ve been trying to outrun myself and I’ve gone too far. It’s weird to feel unstable when I have an income and a roof above my head and parents who support me (and still allow and want me to live with them) but I feel like I’m treading deep water and can’t seem to see any shore or anything I want to grab onto. It’s interesting and somewhat something I’m proud of that even when I’m struggling for a support system, I won’t compromise myself to find it. I’m sick of temporary escapes and temporary happiness and it’s time I took responsibility for myself and got myself onto solid ground, I’m just still trying to figure out how and where to go.
We had our official week of Summer last week and with temperatures as high as 44 I decided I couldn’t bear the heat and bought a pool for the yard (not bad for $48). Sadly since that super hot day … Continue reading