A couple of weeks ago my brother and I drove to Melbourne to see Paramore and catch a plane to see them the next day in Sydney. The plan seemed simple enough but man, almost everything that could have gone wrong, did. Matt’s car died in the middle of Melbourne CBD in peak hour traffic, the car was fine and then it just wasn’t. The gear box just went. Add a 2 hour delay in our already late plans. We got to Paramore about half an hour before they came on stage and I was so tense and stressed. It all melted away when the lights went down. Next morning we flew to Sydney, spent the day in Sydney CBD and my friend Rach showed us around Glebe and a few other places. I was so physically and emotionally exhausted by the end of the day, as much as I’d been looking forward to seeing my favourite band of the last 12/13 years twice in 24 hours, I wanted it to be over so we could get back to Melbourne and I could sleep in a bed and not have a deadline to be somewhere. I didn’t enjoy Sydney and I’d happily never return there. The rest of the Melbourne trip was chill and what I needed. Paramore are amazing and I hope I catch them a few times in the states this year, I’ll never get enough of seeing them.
We ate some good vegan food, saw some friends and got tattooed and hung out with my babe Nat G and it made all the stress okay. I wouldn’t say the stress was worth it, it was 2 days of almost hell. But Nat’s presence and hugs brighten my life and make everything feel a little lighter. Social media has allowed me to meet so many great people, my love included. As bad as social media can be for me at times, other times it’s okay. I just try to limit my time on there now.
Tomorrow is my last day at work ever. I’ve had a really horrible week so it’s bittersweet. I’m relieved to be leaving but I’m sad at the same time. I really love some of the people I work with and have met through there and soon I’ll be on another continent and everything will be different. I’ve been really emotional and unstable this week and I catch myself tearing up all the time, I just keep trying to push it down. I don’t think these mood stabilisers are working for me, I don’t feel like anything is stabilised. I’m still getting violently angry at myself and I feel so raw all the time. When I was on zoloft I felt kinda like I was wrapped in bubble wrap and things didn’t get to me as much but now I feel like I’m full of lightning and it almost hurts to be alive. I don’t know how else to explain that so I guess I’ll leave it at that.
This turned more negative and honest than I intended but I’m going with it, because being truthful to myself even in my struggle within myself is important. I’m just gonna post some highlights from my trip to reflect on;
After Laughter has been a really important album for me since it came out and seeing AL songs live along with a song I never thought I’d get to experience live (I Caught Myself) this tour was really emotional for me.
My mental health/stress leave is about to be up and the thought of returning to my job, which is my biggest trigger, has me on the verge of panic again. I just need to hold on another 4 months but 4 months feels impossible when I’m so anxious and on edge every day that I’ve been physically ill for weeks because of it. I get mad at myself when I can’t be like everyone else and work a normal work week without feeling myself shut down after one day, I hate that a job I don’t have to care about outside of my shifts there can affect every other part of my life and my ability to even want a life anymore. I don’t want to continue to slave away mentally and physically at a job that offers me no appreciation or growth as a person. I’ve been stagnant for years and my only satisfaction and sense of accomplishment came from pursuing romantic relationships which up until my current relationship with K, were all unhealthy and occasionally toxic relationships which fed into my mental illnesses and prevented me from making any real progress in healing. K is the first person I feel I can get better with and not just hide and lose myself in. I’ve never known someone who understood me the way she does and supports me and inspires me to be and get better. I want less time wasted in meaningless jobs and more time invested in my relationships with myself and the people around me. The only time I feel clarity and calm is when I am not at my job. I need to be somewhere that aligns with my values and currently I am in somewhere the opposite. I’m poisoning myself every day and I feel so much anger and resentment for others because of it.
Despite being in a bad place mentally, I’m trying to make a conscious effort to find things to be grateful for. So today I am grateful for:
all the beautiful flowers I saw today
the vegan coconut ice cream I had this afternoon
how much clearer and happier my skin is since cutting out foundation and changing my skincare routine; the fact that I am now comfortable leaving my house with minimal make up and have it be my “full face”
Sebastian for being my emotional support companion and best friend
the linda mccartney vegan 1/4 pound burgers that remind me of my favourite food pre-vegan days
fresh sheets, the cool spring breeze through my balcony window, the sound of passing traffic
My mental health is in such a weird place right now. I’m so anxious and on edge all the time, barely able to leave my house. Getting outside makes me feel better and grounds me but the process required to make me feel capable of walking out my door is frustrating. My job is currently my biggest trigger and I know this, but I am unable to change that right now. I am 4 months out from my pro-rata pay out hitting, my lease is up in August 2018 and that will be the time for change. I want to be able to leave my job when my pro-rata is available to me. K and I have been talking about when she’s going to move here. We want to do van life and then eventually have a tiny house when we find somewhere we want to settle. I want to be as self sufficient as possible and spend my life in nature. I need a simple life without so much influence and outside stress infiltrating my mind. It’s hard for me to accept that I just can’t necessarily handle what others can and I can’t cope within the same environments that others can. K is really great at helping me find clarity within myself, my BPD and anxiety; she truly is a blessing in my life. I’ve never felt for anyone the way I feel for her, I never really bought into the ‘when you know, you know’ thing, but god, I really feel like she is my person. Everything I’ve ever felt for anyone else is incomparable to what I feel for K. It’s funny how life works out, given that we are currently in different countries and we met via the internet and without it, our paths would never have crossed. We have too much in common and too much mutual understanding for us to not be together. Without the internet, would I have gone on, unable to find someone I could truly be intimate with; forever starving for that level of understanding and appreciation? She is truly the first person who has understood me and the things I struggle and suffer with, and made the idea of a future and life bearable. Exciting, even. K will be here on November 19 for a week and I can’t wait to be with her and make memories together. I’m taking her along the Great Ocean Road and to the Grampians, hopefully I can show my American some cute Aussie wildlife. I am more excited to show her my favourite/beautiful places than she is to see them. I know I don’t need to convince her to move to Australia, she’s already sold on it. We’re already making plans, logistics matter but what truly matters to both of us is that we are together. Everything is so small compared to us and the way we feel to each other. I feel complete and total security and safety with her which is something I’ve never felt with anyone before. I’m excited about our future and all the possibilities it entails.
I feel like I’m in the best mental place I’ve been in for a long time now and I feel like I’m so much less interesting and insightful when I’m happy. I don’t know the word for it but I … Continue reading →
It gets to a point where there is no use in talking about something anymore or seeking advice from others because there is nothing anyone can tell you to help you address a situation you’re simply not ready for. You can spill your guts again and again to the same people and eventually they won’t even notice you’re bleeding anymore because you’re constantly picking at a wound and reopening it rather than pulling the poison out and letting it heal. Eventually the infection will spread further, deeper through you and any physical symptoms you show are no longer the worst. Sadness can become like a parasite, slowly eating away at you piece by piece. Sometimes you don’t even notice it happening to yourself until you’re triggered and have a physical response and you’re instantly out of control because the flare up showed no warning signs because you’ve been living in a constant state of it and you grew used to it. You don’t know any different.
I feel like I let the same people and things hurt me time and time again but still expect a change and different results from the same behaviour. Somewhere along the line I lost my self respect and any value I once held, or maybe I never had any to begin with. The difficult thing about self esteem is that you need others to help build it up but it needs to be a part of your own foundation, something you maintain yourself and build on. Something you support yourself, and something to support yourself with. When you get to your mid twenties and still battle the same self loathing you struggled with since your late childhood and early teenage years, it becomes a hard bone to crack. My foundation is built up entirely of my low self esteem and mental illness and they go hand in hand, to an extent. While some days I am blinded by my depression and suffering within myself, light still seeps in through the cracks and it’s just enough to get me through each wave of darkness. But when it’s not, I’ve found that just sitting mindlessly on my lounge room floor, staring at a blank TV screen and allowing myself to be numb, no matter how uncomfortable it is and how much it hurts to feel like I’m splitting apart at the seams, the solitude can be eye opening.
There comes a point where you have to learn to fight for yourself and although survival is probably realistically all I can hope for and I may never feel actual contentment, I still hope that one day I’ll be strong enough to overcome this and not feel like I need a prescription I barely believe in to just survive and scrape by each day. I guess I’m posting this as a reminder to myself that although I am struggling today and while I am not ready to face all my demons, eventually I won’t be plagued by the same mistakes and lessons that just seem to cut deeper every time. In time I will be able to graciously accept the lessons I am being served and grow from them. Progress is often slow but in order to bear fruit, trees must form roots and seek nourishment from the dirt.