Goodbye 5/184.

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A few weeks ago I moved out of my little flat that was my home for two years. It was the second place I ever lived alone in and it was the first place to really feel like home to me. I spent two years there, decorating it my way, learning who I am and learning to embrace that, sharing my space with my feline companion, Sebastian. I moved back in with my parents so I could save money and pay off debts so I can move to America as stress free as possible in a couple of months. Kae and I decided that financially, it makes more sense that I temporarily relocate to the states and then we return to Australia together after we get married and all that. I guess I’ve been so swept up in my happiness and excitement for our new life together that I never really put so much thought into how big of a decision and change I am making. I don’t regret any of it, Kae is the only thing I’ve ever been this sure about in my life and I’m not going to let her slip through my fingers. I’m excited at the adventure that’s to come and I am excited to have finally found peace within myself and another person, simultaneously. I’ve gone from unhealthy coping mechanisms to unhealthy or unfulfilling relationships and just kind of always thought that was as good as it would get for me. I grew up believing I didn’t need to plan ahead or set myself up for anything because I truly thought by the time I hit 30, I probably would have succumbed to my depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder and ended myself. That was the only future I saw for myself. Every decision I made was a temporary anchor to keep myself around just a little bit longer so I wouldn’t burden or disappoint my family with my inability to simply exist. I look back on who I’ve been and I don’t even recognise her from the person I am at this current moment. With Kae entering my life and a new therapist, I have found the strength within myself to fight for myself and actually will myself to get better. I haven’t felt truly suicidal in a long time which is a huge deal for me as I have been consistently suicidal since I was 14, I am now about to turn 27 and I feel lifetime’s away from the emotionally raw girl that I was. I still haven’t found an ambition for myself but the fact that I can actually see and desire a future is amazing for me now. I kept throwing myself into relationships with people who were as damaged as I was, in different ways and constantly ended up hurt and back in my destructive cycle. Kae is different. She willingly sought me out after knowing about my shaky mental health and through nothing but patience and honesty has taught me to care for myself and lean on her when I need a little more support. I never really believed in soulmates, at least not in a romantic sense, I didn’t believe a long term relationship was possible for me but the first time my eyes met hers I felt like I was home. I don’t think I’ve ever felt anything like that before in my life. Our relationship, despite being long distance right now is everything I’ve ever wanted and needed. I will never take for granted how absolutely lucky I am to have a love like this and a person like Kae in my life.

I just went on a love fueled ramble but in moving back in with my parents, I have struggled to adapt and re-adjust. I am so used to my independence and living alone that I am struggling to navigate my way back into this living arrangement. I miss simple things, like having my own bathroom, being able to cook at any time of day or night, being able to walk naked from the bathroom to my bedroom, being able to camp out in front of the TV in the lounge room. All seemingly simple things but with so many personalities under one roof its hard to avoid arguments and frustration. I guess I just need to give myself time to adjust, I lived alone for 3 years and moving back into a house with 3 other people will take some getting used to. I’m trying to minimise everything in my life so that when I pack up and go to the states, I can fit everything into one suitcase and one backpack. I want to live as lightly as possible for the rest of my life. Simplicity and structure put my mind at ease and allow little room for me to become emotionally overwhelmed, helping to keep my BPD and anxiety at bay. Luckily I have someone who understands me and understands the importance of these things and helps reinforce them every day.

Minimise belongings.
Minimise`emotional clutter.
Minimise stress.
Minimise triggers.
Maximise serenity & happiness.

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Depletion.

 

My mental health/stress leave is about to be up and the thought of returning to my job, which is my biggest trigger, has me on the verge of panic again. I just need to hold on another 4 months but 4 months feels impossible when I’m so anxious and on edge every day that I’ve been physically ill for weeks because of it. I get mad at myself when I can’t be like everyone else and work a normal work week without feeling myself shut down after one day, I hate that a job I don’t have to care about outside of my shifts there can affect every other part of my life and my ability to even want a life anymore. I don’t want to continue to slave away mentally and physically at a job that offers me no appreciation or growth as a person. I’ve been stagnant for years and my only satisfaction and sense of accomplishment came from pursuing romantic relationships which up until my current relationship with K, were all unhealthy and occasionally toxic relationships which fed into my mental illnesses and prevented me from making any real progress in healing. K is the first person I feel I can get better with and not just hide and lose myself in. I’ve never known someone who understood me the way she does and supports me and inspires me to be and get better. I want less time wasted in meaningless jobs and more time invested in my relationships with myself and the people around me. The only time I feel clarity and calm is when I am not at my job. I need to be somewhere that aligns with my values and currently I am in somewhere the opposite. I’m poisoning myself every day and I feel so much anger and resentment for others because of it.

Despite being in a bad place mentally, I’m trying to make a conscious effort to find things to be grateful for. So today I am grateful for:

  • all the beautiful flowers I saw today
  • the vegan coconut ice cream I had this afternoon
  • how much clearer and happier my skin is since cutting out foundation and changing my skincare routine; the fact that I am now comfortable leaving my house with minimal make up and have it be my “full face”
  • Sebastian for being my emotional support companion and best friend
  • the linda mccartney vegan 1/4 pound burgers that remind me of my favourite food pre-vegan days
  • fresh sheets, the cool spring breeze through my balcony window, the sound of passing traffic
  • freshly washed hair

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

 

 

October 24.

 

 

My mental health is in such a weird place right now. I’m so anxious and on edge all the time, barely able to leave my house. Getting outside makes me feel better and grounds me but the process required to make me feel capable of walking out my door is frustrating. My job is currently my biggest trigger and I know this, but I am unable to change that right now. I am 4 months out from my pro-rata pay out hitting, my lease is up in August 2018 and that will be the time for change. I want to be able to leave my job when my pro-rata is available to me. K and I have been talking about when she’s going to move here. We want to do van life and then eventually have a tiny house when we find somewhere we want to settle. I want to be as self sufficient as possible and spend my life in nature. I need a simple life without so much influence and outside stress infiltrating my mind. It’s hard for me to accept that I just can’t necessarily handle what others can and I can’t cope within the same environments that others can. K is really great at helping me find clarity within myself, my BPD and anxiety; she truly is a blessing in my life. I’ve never felt for anyone the way I feel for her, I never really bought into the ‘when you know, you know’ thing, but god, I really feel like she is my person. Everything I’ve ever felt for anyone else is incomparable to what I feel for K. It’s funny how life works out, given that we are currently in different countries and we met via the internet and without it, our paths would never have crossed. We have too much in common and too much mutual understanding for us to not be together. Without the internet, would I have gone on, unable to find someone I could truly be intimate with; forever starving for that level of understanding and appreciation? She is truly the first person who has understood me and the things I struggle and suffer with, and made the idea of a future and life bearable. Exciting, even. K will be here on November 19 for a week and I can’t wait to be with her and make memories together. I’m taking her along the Great Ocean Road and to the Grampians, hopefully I can show my American some cute Aussie wildlife. I am more excited to show her my favourite/beautiful places than she is to see them. I know I don’t need to convince her to move to Australia, she’s already sold on it. We’re already making plans, logistics matter but what truly matters to both of us is that we are together. Everything is so small compared to us and the way we feel to each other. I feel complete and total security and safety with her which is something I’ve never felt with anyone before. I’m excited about our future and all the possibilities it entails.

Storm.

It gets to a point where there is no use in talking about something anymore or seeking advice from others because there is nothing anyone can tell you to help you address a situation you’re simply not ready for. You can spill your guts again and again to the same people and eventually they won’t even notice you’re bleeding anymore because you’re constantly picking at a wound and reopening it rather than pulling the poison out and letting it heal. Eventually the infection will spread further, deeper through you and any physical symptoms you show are no longer the worst. Sadness can become like a parasite, slowly eating away at you piece by piece. Sometimes you don’t even notice it happening to yourself until you’re triggered and have a physical response and you’re instantly out of control because the flare up showed no warning signs because you’ve been living in a constant state of it and you grew used to it. You don’t know any different.

I feel like I let the same people and things hurt me time and time again but still expect a change and different results from the same behaviour. Somewhere along the line I lost my self respect and any value I once held, or maybe I never had any to begin with. The difficult thing about self esteem is that you need others to help build it up but it needs to be a part of your own foundation, something you maintain yourself and build on. Something you support yourself, and something to support yourself with. When you get to your mid twenties and still battle the same self loathing you struggled with since your late childhood and early teenage years, it becomes a hard bone to crack. My foundation is built up entirely of my low self esteem and mental illness and they go hand in hand, to an extent. While some days I am blinded by my depression and suffering within myself, light still seeps in through the cracks and it’s just enough to get me through each wave of darkness. But when it’s not, I’ve found that just sitting mindlessly on my lounge room floor, staring at a blank TV screen and allowing myself to be numb, no matter how uncomfortable it is and how much it hurts to feel like I’m splitting apart at the seams, the solitude can be eye opening.

There comes a point where you have to learn to fight for yourself and although survival is probably realistically all I can hope for and I may never feel actual contentment, I still hope that one day I’ll be strong enough to overcome this and not feel like I need a prescription I barely believe in to just survive and scrape by each day. I guess I’m posting this as a reminder to myself that although I am struggling today and while I am not ready to face all my demons, eventually I won’t be plagued by the same mistakes and lessons that just seem to cut deeper every time. In time I will be able to graciously accept the lessons I am being served and grow from them. Progress is often slow but in order to bear fruit, trees must form roots and seek nourishment from the dirt.