October 24.

 

 

My mental health is in such a weird place right now. I’m so anxious and on edge all the time, barely able to leave my house. Getting outside makes me feel better and grounds me but the process required to make me feel capable of walking out my door is frustrating. My job is currently my biggest trigger and I know this, but I am unable to change that right now. I am 4 months out from my pro-rata pay out hitting, my lease is up in August 2018 and that will be the time for change. I want to be able to leave my job when my pro-rata is available to me. K and I have been talking about when she’s going to move here. We want to do van life and then eventually have a tiny house when we find somewhere we want to settle. I want to be as self sufficient as possible and spend my life in nature. I need a simple life without so much influence and outside stress infiltrating my mind. It’s hard for me to accept that I just can’t necessarily handle what others can and I can’t cope within the same environments that others can. K is really great at helping me find clarity within myself, my BPD and anxiety; she truly is a blessing in my life. I’ve never felt for anyone the way I feel for her, I never really bought into the ‘when you know, you know’ thing, but god, I really feel like she is my person. Everything I’ve ever felt for anyone else is incomparable to what I feel for K. It’s funny how life works out, given that we are currently in different countries and we met via the internet and without it, our paths would never have crossed. We have too much in common and too much mutual understanding for us to not be together. Without the internet, would I have gone on, unable to find someone I could truly be intimate with; forever starving for that level of understanding and appreciation? She is truly the first person who has understood me and the things I struggle and suffer with, and made the idea of a future and life bearable. Exciting, even. K will be here on November 19 for a week and I can’t wait to be with her and make memories together. I’m taking her along the Great Ocean Road and to the Grampians, hopefully I can show my American some cute Aussie wildlife. I am more excited to show her my favourite/beautiful places than she is to see them. I know I don’t need to convince her to move to Australia, she’s already sold on it. We’re already making plans, logistics matter but what truly matters to both of us is that we are together. Everything is so small compared to us and the way we feel to each other. I feel complete and total security and safety with her which is something I’ve never felt with anyone before. I’m excited about our future and all the possibilities it entails.

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