Making plans.

I’m 27 now and totally okay about it. I thought it would feel weird because I never saw myself surviving this long but I barely felt any different. Kae has decided we’re going to go to Iceland for my 30th and I’m actually excited about being able to get older and share the world with her. Somehow she just sets my soul at ease and I feel so much less restless with her around.

Yesterday was my 2 year vegan anniversary and I missed it. Again. I missed it last year too. I’ve decided to eat as many vegan doughnuts in Melbourne this week as I want as a gift to myself.

I go to Melbourne and Sydney this week for Tour Four/Paramore and I’m so excited. I haven’t seen them since they last came to Aus in 2014 and After Laughter is my favourite record they’ve ever put out, I’m really excited to see the new songs live. I’ve never been to Sydney but I’ll be going for about 24 hours. I think we’re going to roam around and check out the botanical gardens before we head to the venue.

I’ve officially given notice at my job and will be finishing up in the middle of March. It feels so weird that I’m finally leaving that place after seven years. I’m relieved and excited. I can’t wait to go to the states and be with my love. I’m excited for all the life we’ll get to experience together ❤. My life feels so much more peaceful since knowing her and I feel like the luckiest person in the world every day.

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Goodbye 5/184.

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A few weeks ago I moved out of my little flat that was my home for two years. It was the second place I ever lived alone in and it was the first place to really feel like home to me. I spent two years there, decorating it my way, learning who I am and learning to embrace that, sharing my space with my feline companion, Sebastian. I moved back in with my parents so I could save money and pay off debts so I can move to America as stress free as possible in a couple of months. Kae and I decided that financially, it makes more sense that I temporarily relocate to the states and then we return to Australia together after we get married and all that. I guess I’ve been so swept up in my happiness and excitement for our new life together that I never really put so much thought into how big of a decision and change I am making. I don’t regret any of it, Kae is the only thing I’ve ever been this sure about in my life and I’m not going to let her slip through my fingers. I’m excited at the adventure that’s to come and I am excited to have finally found peace within myself and another person, simultaneously. I’ve gone from unhealthy coping mechanisms to unhealthy or unfulfilling relationships and just kind of always thought that was as good as it would get for me. I grew up believing I didn’t need to plan ahead or set myself up for anything because I truly thought by the time I hit 30, I probably would have succumbed to my depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder and ended myself. That was the only future I saw for myself. Every decision I made was a temporary anchor to keep myself around just a little bit longer so I wouldn’t burden or disappoint my family with my inability to simply exist. I look back on who I’ve been and I don’t even recognise her from the person I am at this current moment. With Kae entering my life and a new therapist, I have found the strength within myself to fight for myself and actually will myself to get better. I haven’t felt truly suicidal in a long time which is a huge deal for me as I have been consistently suicidal since I was 14, I am now about to turn 27 and I feel lifetime’s away from the emotionally raw girl that I was. I still haven’t found an ambition for myself but the fact that I can actually see and desire a future is amazing for me now. I kept throwing myself into relationships with people who were as damaged as I was, in different ways and constantly ended up hurt and back in my destructive cycle. Kae is different. She willingly sought me out after knowing about my shaky mental health and through nothing but patience and honesty has taught me to care for myself and lean on her when I need a little more support. I never really believed in soulmates, at least not in a romantic sense, I didn’t believe a long term relationship was possible for me but the first time my eyes met hers I felt like I was home. I don’t think I’ve ever felt anything like that before in my life. Our relationship, despite being long distance right now is everything I’ve ever wanted and needed. I will never take for granted how absolutely lucky I am to have a love like this and a person like Kae in my life.

I just went on a love fueled ramble but in moving back in with my parents, I have struggled to adapt and re-adjust. I am so used to my independence and living alone that I am struggling to navigate my way back into this living arrangement. I miss simple things, like having my own bathroom, being able to cook at any time of day or night, being able to walk naked from the bathroom to my bedroom, being able to camp out in front of the TV in the lounge room. All seemingly simple things but with so many personalities under one roof its hard to avoid arguments and frustration. I guess I just need to give myself time to adjust, I lived alone for 3 years and moving back into a house with 3 other people will take some getting used to. I’m trying to minimise everything in my life so that when I pack up and go to the states, I can fit everything into one suitcase and one backpack. I want to live as lightly as possible for the rest of my life. Simplicity and structure put my mind at ease and allow little room for me to become emotionally overwhelmed, helping to keep my BPD and anxiety at bay. Luckily I have someone who understands me and understands the importance of these things and helps reinforce them every day.

Minimise belongings.
Minimise`emotional clutter.
Minimise stress.
Minimise triggers.
Maximise serenity & happiness.

2018 Motivations.

I don’t like the idea of resolutions but I like to give myself motivations and things to work toward and be conscious of to better myself overall. These are what I came up with for 2018/year 27 of my life.

  • Be more crafty – practice/learn to watercolour & try to learn/teach yourself hand embroidery again. Try DIY bath and beauty products.
  • Go on photo walks, see more of’outside’.
  • Journal more/document life more – with mediums other than social media.
  • Minimise everything!! (Items will not make you happy.)
  • Be more conscious of what you put into your body – energy included.
  • Listen to your body more – learn your limits and accept them. (Mental/emotional limits included)
  • Be less reckless with money. Stop seeking instant gratification and satisfaction when you want things. Again, items will not make you happy.

2017 wrap up.

Kae came to visit in November and we spent a week in Melbourne, visiting The Great Ocean Road, The Grampians and my home town where she met my family and my best friend. It was the first time we met in person and I was so nervous about kissing her and I was stressing myself out, I felt like a nervous teenager again but she eased my nerves immediately. As soon as I looked into her eyes I felt like I was home. I’ve never felt as comfortable and safe with someone as I do with her and it was such an easy decision for me to move out of my flat and leave my job in 2 months and fly to Florida to be with her. I never thought I’d be that person that said “when you know, you just know” but god, I just have a feeling and I need to run with it. I love this person and I love the way she makes me feel and the way she makes me want to be better to myself and I want her by my side while I heal and grow into a better version of myself, and I want to be there with her while she does the same. I’ve never felt like this before and I think all my heartache was preparing me for a relationship where I could actually see and feel my value.

I didn’t even get a final Christmas in my flat, I had expected to be there until after the holidays but they found a new tenant so fast. I’m relieved not to be paying rent anymore and to be able to pay off bills and debts but I miss my little home. I was not ready to move out yet, it was the only place that really felt like home to me and I thought I had more time to detach. Sebastian is slowly adjusting to living at my parents house, I think he thought I was dropping him off and leaving because he usually stays here while I’m away. He’s finally warmed back up to me and is sleeping with me again, it took him a week. I’m worried about leaving him for Florida for a few months. I don’t want him to hate me when I get back. I took him outside for a wander the other day and he loved it. I love seeing him excited about the dirt and the grass and the flowers. He’s so cute and sweet.

2017 was a pretty big year for me, I guess. I ended a relationship I thought I was happy in but I think I was misunderstood the entire time. I started seeing a new therapist and she’s great, I adore her and we get along really well. If she wasn’t my therapist I’d want to be her friend. I met Kae not long after I ended that other relationship, she messaged me on tumblr of all places and she said she knew that I had just ended a relationship and I wasn’t in a good place and she knew what I needed so she waited. It’s so strange to me that someone could feel like that about me before even really knowing me. I just know that she is my person and I want to experience everything with her. I’m really excited for what our life together will bring. I feel excited for the future for the first time in a really long time (possibly the first time in my life?) and I can’t wait.

Depletion.

 

My mental health/stress leave is about to be up and the thought of returning to my job, which is my biggest trigger, has me on the verge of panic again. I just need to hold on another 4 months but 4 months feels impossible when I’m so anxious and on edge every day that I’ve been physically ill for weeks because of it. I get mad at myself when I can’t be like everyone else and work a normal work week without feeling myself shut down after one day, I hate that a job I don’t have to care about outside of my shifts there can affect every other part of my life and my ability to even want a life anymore. I don’t want to continue to slave away mentally and physically at a job that offers me no appreciation or growth as a person. I’ve been stagnant for years and my only satisfaction and sense of accomplishment came from pursuing romantic relationships which up until my current relationship with K, were all unhealthy and occasionally toxic relationships which fed into my mental illnesses and prevented me from making any real progress in healing. K is the first person I feel I can get better with and not just hide and lose myself in. I’ve never known someone who understood me the way she does and supports me and inspires me to be and get better. I want less time wasted in meaningless jobs and more time invested in my relationships with myself and the people around me. The only time I feel clarity and calm is when I am not at my job. I need to be somewhere that aligns with my values and currently I am in somewhere the opposite. I’m poisoning myself every day and I feel so much anger and resentment for others because of it.

Despite being in a bad place mentally, I’m trying to make a conscious effort to find things to be grateful for. So today I am grateful for:

  • all the beautiful flowers I saw today
  • the vegan coconut ice cream I had this afternoon
  • how much clearer and happier my skin is since cutting out foundation and changing my skincare routine; the fact that I am now comfortable leaving my house with minimal make up and have it be my “full face”
  • Sebastian for being my emotional support companion and best friend
  • the linda mccartney vegan 1/4 pound burgers that remind me of my favourite food pre-vegan days
  • fresh sheets, the cool spring breeze through my balcony window, the sound of passing traffic
  • freshly washed hair

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October 24.

 

 

My mental health is in such a weird place right now. I’m so anxious and on edge all the time, barely able to leave my house. Getting outside makes me feel better and grounds me but the process required to make me feel capable of walking out my door is frustrating. My job is currently my biggest trigger and I know this, but I am unable to change that right now. I am 4 months out from my pro-rata pay out hitting, my lease is up in August 2018 and that will be the time for change. I want to be able to leave my job when my pro-rata is available to me. K and I have been talking about when she’s going to move here. We want to do van life and then eventually have a tiny house when we find somewhere we want to settle. I want to be as self sufficient as possible and spend my life in nature. I need a simple life without so much influence and outside stress infiltrating my mind. It’s hard for me to accept that I just can’t necessarily handle what others can and I can’t cope within the same environments that others can. K is really great at helping me find clarity within myself, my BPD and anxiety; she truly is a blessing in my life. I’ve never felt for anyone the way I feel for her, I never really bought into the ‘when you know, you know’ thing, but god, I really feel like she is my person. Everything I’ve ever felt for anyone else is incomparable to what I feel for K. It’s funny how life works out, given that we are currently in different countries and we met via the internet and without it, our paths would never have crossed. We have too much in common and too much mutual understanding for us to not be together. Without the internet, would I have gone on, unable to find someone I could truly be intimate with; forever starving for that level of understanding and appreciation? She is truly the first person who has understood me and the things I struggle and suffer with, and made the idea of a future and life bearable. Exciting, even. K will be here on November 19 for a week and I can’t wait to be with her and make memories together. I’m taking her along the Great Ocean Road and to the Grampians, hopefully I can show my American some cute Aussie wildlife. I am more excited to show her my favourite/beautiful places than she is to see them. I know I don’t need to convince her to move to Australia, she’s already sold on it. We’re already making plans, logistics matter but what truly matters to both of us is that we are together. Everything is so small compared to us and the way we feel to each other. I feel complete and total security and safety with her which is something I’ve never felt with anyone before. I’m excited about our future and all the possibilities it entails.

Spring.

 

 

 

Spring is finally arriving and I am so ready to come out of hibernation. Literally, I’ve lived in my room all winter, only emerging to go to work and shower or make food. I did a big clean of my apartment yesterday and my head feels clearer. Kara was down from Adelaide and suprised me on my doorstep on Sunday and we went out for brunch and vegan donuts. She totally brightened my day and last few weeks, mental health wise I’ve been feeling really flat and exhausted. I’m ready for warm weather and sun. I’m determined to make memories this summer and document good times.

Autumn rebirth.

Autumn is my favourite season. There’s probably something to be said about that, the way the trees shed their leaves and become nothing more than their skeletons. I find myself shedding myself every time a change of perspective occurs in my life, usually a lesson in the form of a relationship but I never get down to my skeleton. I don’t allow myself total vulnerability and exposure, everything I try to rebuild is superficial, I just want people to see me differently, to think I’m beautiful, something to be appreciated. But I do not appreciate myself. I’m not strong enough to be the tree that resprouts it’s leaves and rebuilds itself, I’m still the leaf that has fallen on the ground and is slowly eroding away. I need to stop giving myself to the dirt and the creatures who thrive in it and learn to nourish myself and grow by myself, for myself.