Making plans.

I’m 27 now and totally okay about it. I thought it would feel weird because I never saw myself surviving this long but I barely felt any different. Kae has decided we’re going to go to Iceland for my 30th and I’m actually excited about being able to get older and share the world with her. Somehow she just sets my soul at ease and I feel so much less restless with her around.

Yesterday was my 2 year vegan anniversary and I missed it. Again. I missed it last year too. I’ve decided to eat as many vegan doughnuts in Melbourne this week as I want as a gift to myself.

I go to Melbourne and Sydney this week for Tour Four/Paramore and I’m so excited. I haven’t seen them since they last came to Aus in 2014 and After Laughter is my favourite record they’ve ever put out, I’m really excited to see the new songs live. I’ve never been to Sydney but I’ll be going for about 24 hours. I think we’re going to roam around and check out the botanical gardens before we head to the venue.

I’ve officially given notice at my job and will be finishing up in the middle of March. It feels so weird that I’m finally leaving that place after seven years. I’m relieved and excited. I can’t wait to go to the states and be with my love. I’m excited for all the life we’ll get to experience together ❤. My life feels so much more peaceful since knowing her and I feel like the luckiest person in the world every day.

Advertisements

2017 wrap up.

Kae came to visit in November and we spent a week in Melbourne, visiting The Great Ocean Road, The Grampians and my home town where she met my family and my best friend. It was the first time we met in person and I was so nervous about kissing her and I was stressing myself out, I felt like a nervous teenager again but she eased my nerves immediately. As soon as I looked into her eyes I felt like I was home. I’ve never felt as comfortable and safe with someone as I do with her and it was such an easy decision for me to move out of my flat and leave my job in 2 months and fly to Florida to be with her. I never thought I’d be that person that said “when you know, you just know” but god, I just have a feeling and I need to run with it. I love this person and I love the way she makes me feel and the way she makes me want to be better to myself and I want her by my side while I heal and grow into a better version of myself, and I want to be there with her while she does the same. I’ve never felt like this before and I think all my heartache was preparing me for a relationship where I could actually see and feel my value.

I didn’t even get a final Christmas in my flat, I had expected to be there until after the holidays but they found a new tenant so fast. I’m relieved not to be paying rent anymore and to be able to pay off bills and debts but I miss my little home. I was not ready to move out yet, it was the only place that really felt like home to me and I thought I had more time to detach. Sebastian is slowly adjusting to living at my parents house, I think he thought I was dropping him off and leaving because he usually stays here while I’m away. He’s finally warmed back up to me and is sleeping with me again, it took him a week. I’m worried about leaving him for Florida for a few months. I don’t want him to hate me when I get back. I took him outside for a wander the other day and he loved it. I love seeing him excited about the dirt and the grass and the flowers. He’s so cute and sweet.

2017 was a pretty big year for me, I guess. I ended a relationship I thought I was happy in but I think I was misunderstood the entire time. I started seeing a new therapist and she’s great, I adore her and we get along really well. If she wasn’t my therapist I’d want to be her friend. I met Kae not long after I ended that other relationship, she messaged me on tumblr of all places and she said she knew that I had just ended a relationship and I wasn’t in a good place and she knew what I needed so she waited. It’s so strange to me that someone could feel like that about me before even really knowing me. I just know that she is my person and I want to experience everything with her. I’m really excited for what our life together will bring. I feel excited for the future for the first time in a really long time (possibly the first time in my life?) and I can’t wait.

Reflecting.

image

I took these the day after we broke up the first time and I was devastated and I was miserable and I went to sleep that night not even caring if I didn’t wake up the next day, but a day or two after this day you came crawling back, stating that you knew what you wanted now and you wanted to be with me and you wanted to try, and I believed in you so we agreed to give it another go. You made plans to come and visit me four months later in December, you quit your job to get the time off and I was nervous. I still felt like you’d slipped away from me and I felt like for those four months, our whole relationship depended on and was counting on the fact you were coming here, but I still had no idea what would happen when you left again. You came here and things were okay, we were happy to be with each other again and I felt like maybe we had a chance. We had intended to have ‘the talk’ to figure out what we were going to do about the future of our relationship but we both put it off and deep down I knew we wouldn’t last once you went back home. I think that was always why I cried so much while we were apart, I knew we weren’t going to last and I’d invested so much of myself and my life into you and that’s not something that I do easily and it will be even harder next time. I remember the day you were leaving, we were sitting on my bed and I was crying and you said to me “I’ll be back, there’s no need” but I knew it wasn’t the truth and I knew you wouldn’t be back. I never believed you when you said it and I should have realised a long time ago that I shouldn’t be with someone I can’t count on or believe the things they say. I shouldn’t be with someone who dismisses my feelings and tells me “there’s no need” for my feelings and I shouldn’t be with someone that after 3 years of dating and 7 years of knowing me, still doesn’t know how to comfort me or be there for me. I was miserable the first time we broke up and I cried for two whole days,  but this time I know I did the right thing for myself and I’m glad I’m not letting myself be emotionally neglected and abused anymore. You still tell me I was the best thing that happened to you but I can’t say the same about you. The lessons I’ve learned from this perhaps, me learning what I’m worth and what I deserve are definitely some of the best things to happen to me. I don’t necessarily regret our relationship but I definitely regret letting it go on for as long as it did. I’m happier without you.