Making plans.

I’m 27 now and totally okay about it. I thought it would feel weird because I never saw myself surviving this long but I barely felt any different. Kae has decided we’re going to go to Iceland for my 30th and I’m actually excited about being able to get older and share the world with her. Somehow she just sets my soul at ease and I feel so much less restless with her around.

Yesterday was my 2 year vegan anniversary and I missed it. Again. I missed it last year too. I’ve decided to eat as many vegan doughnuts in Melbourne this week as I want as a gift to myself.

I go to Melbourne and Sydney this week for Tour Four/Paramore and I’m so excited. I haven’t seen them since they last came to Aus in 2014 and After Laughter is my favourite record they’ve ever put out, I’m really excited to see the new songs live. I’ve never been to Sydney but I’ll be going for about 24 hours. I think we’re going to roam around and check out the botanical gardens before we head to the venue.

I’ve officially given notice at my job and will be finishing up in the middle of March. It feels so weird that I’m finally leaving that place after seven years. I’m relieved and excited. I can’t wait to go to the states and be with my love. I’m excited for all the life we’ll get to experience together ❤. My life feels so much more peaceful since knowing her and I feel like the luckiest person in the world every day.


Goodbye 5/184.

Processed with VSCO with a6 preset

A few weeks ago I moved out of my little flat that was my home for two years. It was the second place I ever lived alone in and it was the first place to really feel like home to me. I spent two years there, decorating it my way, learning who I am and learning to embrace that, sharing my space with my feline companion, Sebastian. I moved back in with my parents so I could save money and pay off debts so I can move to America as stress free as possible in a couple of months. Kae and I decided that financially, it makes more sense that I temporarily relocate to the states and then we return to Australia together after we get married and all that. I guess I’ve been so swept up in my happiness and excitement for our new life together that I never really put so much thought into how big of a decision and change I am making. I don’t regret any of it, Kae is the only thing I’ve ever been this sure about in my life and I’m not going to let her slip through my fingers. I’m excited at the adventure that’s to come and I am excited to have finally found peace within myself and another person, simultaneously. I’ve gone from unhealthy coping mechanisms to unhealthy or unfulfilling relationships and just kind of always thought that was as good as it would get for me. I grew up believing I didn’t need to plan ahead or set myself up for anything because I truly thought by the time I hit 30, I probably would have succumbed to my depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder and ended myself. That was the only future I saw for myself. Every decision I made was a temporary anchor to keep myself around just a little bit longer so I wouldn’t burden or disappoint my family with my inability to simply exist. I look back on who I’ve been and I don’t even recognise her from the person I am at this current moment. With Kae entering my life and a new therapist, I have found the strength within myself to fight for myself and actually will myself to get better. I haven’t felt truly suicidal in a long time which is a huge deal for me as I have been consistently suicidal since I was 14, I am now about to turn 27 and I feel lifetime’s away from the emotionally raw girl that I was. I still haven’t found an ambition for myself but the fact that I can actually see and desire a future is amazing for me now. I kept throwing myself into relationships with people who were as damaged as I was, in different ways and constantly ended up hurt and back in my destructive cycle. Kae is different. She willingly sought me out after knowing about my shaky mental health and through nothing but patience and honesty has taught me to care for myself and lean on her when I need a little more support. I never really believed in soulmates, at least not in a romantic sense, I didn’t believe a long term relationship was possible for me but the first time my eyes met hers I felt like I was home. I don’t think I’ve ever felt anything like that before in my life. Our relationship, despite being long distance right now is everything I’ve ever wanted and needed. I will never take for granted how absolutely lucky I am to have a love like this and a person like Kae in my life.

I just went on a love fueled ramble but in moving back in with my parents, I have struggled to adapt and re-adjust. I am so used to my independence and living alone that I am struggling to navigate my way back into this living arrangement. I miss simple things, like having my own bathroom, being able to cook at any time of day or night, being able to walk naked from the bathroom to my bedroom, being able to camp out in front of the TV in the lounge room. All seemingly simple things but with so many personalities under one roof its hard to avoid arguments and frustration. I guess I just need to give myself time to adjust, I lived alone for 3 years and moving back into a house with 3 other people will take some getting used to. I’m trying to minimise everything in my life so that when I pack up and go to the states, I can fit everything into one suitcase and one backpack. I want to live as lightly as possible for the rest of my life. Simplicity and structure put my mind at ease and allow little room for me to become emotionally overwhelmed, helping to keep my BPD and anxiety at bay. Luckily I have someone who understands me and understands the importance of these things and helps reinforce them every day.

Minimise belongings.
Minimise`emotional clutter.
Minimise stress.
Minimise triggers.
Maximise serenity & happiness.

2017 wrap up.

Kae came to visit in November and we spent a week in Melbourne, visiting The Great Ocean Road, The Grampians and my home town where she met my family and my best friend. It was the first time we met in person and I was so nervous about kissing her and I was stressing myself out, I felt like a nervous teenager again but she eased my nerves immediately. As soon as I looked into her eyes I felt like I was home. I’ve never felt as comfortable and safe with someone as I do with her and it was such an easy decision for me to move out of my flat and leave my job in 2 months and fly to Florida to be with her. I never thought I’d be that person that said “when you know, you just know” but god, I just have a feeling and I need to run with it. I love this person and I love the way she makes me feel and the way she makes me want to be better to myself and I want her by my side while I heal and grow into a better version of myself, and I want to be there with her while she does the same. I’ve never felt like this before and I think all my heartache was preparing me for a relationship where I could actually see and feel my value.

I didn’t even get a final Christmas in my flat, I had expected to be there until after the holidays but they found a new tenant so fast. I’m relieved not to be paying rent anymore and to be able to pay off bills and debts but I miss my little home. I was not ready to move out yet, it was the only place that really felt like home to me and I thought I had more time to detach. Sebastian is slowly adjusting to living at my parents house, I think he thought I was dropping him off and leaving because he usually stays here while I’m away. He’s finally warmed back up to me and is sleeping with me again, it took him a week. I’m worried about leaving him for Florida for a few months. I don’t want him to hate me when I get back. I took him outside for a wander the other day and he loved it. I love seeing him excited about the dirt and the grass and the flowers. He’s so cute and sweet.

2017 was a pretty big year for me, I guess. I ended a relationship I thought I was happy in but I think I was misunderstood the entire time. I started seeing a new therapist and she’s great, I adore her and we get along really well. If she wasn’t my therapist I’d want to be her friend. I met Kae not long after I ended that other relationship, she messaged me on tumblr of all places and she said she knew that I had just ended a relationship and I wasn’t in a good place and she knew what I needed so she waited. It’s so strange to me that someone could feel like that about me before even really knowing me. I just know that she is my person and I want to experience everything with her. I’m really excited for what our life together will bring. I feel excited for the future for the first time in a really long time (possibly the first time in my life?) and I can’t wait.

Spontaneous roadtrips & impulse decisions.

On Saturday (10th of August) I woke up to 2 text messages from Flic, one saying “Do you have money?” and “Are you awake?” and then an hour later she was outside my house and we went on a spontaneous trip out of town and state and went on a day trip to Warrnambool. We wanted to go shopping at Supre so that was our main purpose but I found nothing I wanted in store and I was really disappointed. Ended up buying an awesome candle though so I’m happy with that! It was nice to get out of town and as soon as we crossed the border and got closer to the coast the air felt warmer and lighter and I was instantly happier. So strange how even just being 100-200km from where you live (and hate) can lift your spirits.

Driving through Warrnambool was weird because I completely forgot until I saw those trees that I had actually made plans to have a life with someone here. I started looking at houses, and imagining a life with someone. I forgot completely about how invested I had been and the realisation of it all made me sick to my stomach. I could have been living there. We drove down streets I looked at houses on and names I recognised. I hadn’t thought about it once in the entire 7 months we’ve been broken up for. I felt really sad. I still feel sad. But the weight of the emotions I feel about Warrnambool and the regrets I have about that relationship are motivating me to take my happiness into my own hands and Kasey and I are talking about where we want to live in Adelaide and where I’ll transfer to, for work. I’m so excited to start making plans and putting things in place. Good things are coming and I hope I don’t dread or regret my 23rd year as much as I’ve regretted the last few.