Autumn rebirth.

Autumn is my favourite season. There’s probably something to be said about that, the way the trees shed their leaves and become nothing more than their skeletons. I find myself shedding myself every time a change of perspective occurs in my life, usually a lesson in the form of a relationship but I never get down to my skeleton. I don’t allow myself total vulnerability and exposure, everything I try to rebuild is superficial, I just want people to see me differently, to think I’m beautiful, something to be appreciated. But I do not appreciate myself. I’m not strong enough to be the tree that resprouts it’s leaves and rebuilds itself, I’m still the leaf that has fallen on the ground and is slowly eroding away. I need to stop giving myself to the dirt and the creatures who thrive in it and learn to nourish myself and grow by myself, for myself.

4 days of self loathing & 3 nights of (slight) self medicating.

I originally posted this to my tumblr (where I vent a lot) but decided it was important enough to put on my blog-blog. I need to be able to look back on this on days where things feel difficult or I’m confused and feel like I’m back at square one all over again, or if I need to remind myself that I’m okay and things aren’t as bad as they seem.

During my 4 days of self loathing and past 3 nights spent drinking my feelings I have realised:

  • I miss you because I hate myself.
  • My lack of self esteem is the source of my feelings of missing you and wanting to be with you, just as you are a big part of my lack of self esteem. It’s not completely your fault, but you definitely didn’t help it.
  • The fact I clarify “while you weren’t working” as a part of you not having time for me, means I think that even if you were working, you would be allowed to neglect me and ignore me how you did and go 2 weeks without a conversation with me (like you did, more than once) and like the fact you had a job when that happened makes it okay, it doesn’t. You were fucking mean to me and I realise that now.
  • You made a lot of excuses for not being able to be there for me or not being able to meet the basic criteria of being my (or anyone’s) girlfriend but none of those excuses are good enough or make it okay, and no excuses could ever be good enough, because you can’t treat people the way you treated me and expect them to stick around.
  • I know I did the right thing for myself by leaving you and even though you were a third of my life so far, 7 whole fucking years, I have a lot more life left and eventually you won’t seem like such a big part of it.
  • The aching in my chest when I think of you or remember your voice or remember any good times we had will go away eventually and it won’t hurt as bad.
  • Eventually you won’t be the last thing I think of before I sleep, I know this because you’re not the first thing I think of when I wake up anymore. 1 out of 2 ain’t bad.
  • I have high standards but they’re really not hard to meet if you’re a good person and have your shit together, and eventually I will meet someone who wants to be with me and will try to be with me and will fight for me if they need to.
  • We were both too young and immature (and inexperienced) for the relationship (I) wanted and it turned out to be manipulative and I spent our whole relationship going in circles trying to make you love me and trying to make you want to be with me and in return I destroyed myself and my happiness, but I was naive and thought that was what love is. I know now it’s not.
  • I’m allowed to feel sad sometimes and I’m allowed to still be affected by the things we (I) went through and the problems I have now as a result.
  • It gets easier every day, even when it doesn’t feel like it and I feel like I’m making no progress at all, I know I am.
  • I will be okay.

Reflecting.

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I took these the day after we broke up the first time and I was devastated and I was miserable and I went to sleep that night not even caring if I didn’t wake up the next day, but a day or two after this day you came crawling back, stating that you knew what you wanted now and you wanted to be with me and you wanted to try, and I believed in you so we agreed to give it another go. You made plans to come and visit me four months later in December, you quit your job to get the time off and I was nervous. I still felt like you’d slipped away from me and I felt like for those four months, our whole relationship depended on and was counting on the fact you were coming here, but I still had no idea what would happen when you left again. You came here and things were okay, we were happy to be with each other again and I felt like maybe we had a chance. We had intended to have ‘the talk’ to figure out what we were going to do about the future of our relationship but we both put it off and deep down I knew we wouldn’t last once you went back home. I think that was always why I cried so much while we were apart, I knew we weren’t going to last and I’d invested so much of myself and my life into you and that’s not something that I do easily and it will be even harder next time. I remember the day you were leaving, we were sitting on my bed and I was crying and you said to me “I’ll be back, there’s no need” but I knew it wasn’t the truth and I knew you wouldn’t be back. I never believed you when you said it and I should have realised a long time ago that I shouldn’t be with someone I can’t count on or believe the things they say. I shouldn’t be with someone who dismisses my feelings and tells me “there’s no need” for my feelings and I shouldn’t be with someone that after 3 years of dating and 7 years of knowing me, still doesn’t know how to comfort me or be there for me. I was miserable the first time we broke up and I cried for two whole days,  but this time I know I did the right thing for myself and I’m glad I’m not letting myself be emotionally neglected and abused anymore. You still tell me I was the best thing that happened to you but I can’t say the same about you. The lessons I’ve learned from this perhaps, me learning what I’m worth and what I deserve are definitely some of the best things to happen to me. I don’t necessarily regret our relationship but I definitely regret letting it go on for as long as it did. I’m happier without you.

In my head.

I’ve been stuck in my head a lot the past few days. I’ve become increasingly frustrated with how I let myself be mistreated by my ex girlfriend and I regret wasting so many years on her. The more I read into it and think about it, I never felt loved by her and I tried so hard to do things that would make her show me that she did but she never really knew how. I guess shes romantically stunted or maybe she just didn’t love me like I thought she did. That’s a hard thought to accept. I dreamt about her multiple times this morning and they weren’t break up dreams, which I would prefer, they were dreams of us being together and being happy when I was actually miserable most of the time. I just can’t wrap my head around why I wasn’t enough. I really thought she loved me and she’d pick up her act but she never did. I don’t like being single and I’m learning that relationships for me are about attention and feeling important to someone and intimacy is more about attention and feeling important and loved than just having sex. I wish I could meet someone who could change my mind about everything but I don’t want to put all that effort into someone again just to have them decide I don’t matter enough and to check out. Lauren checked out 2 years ago but kept stringing me along and never pulled the plug. I always thought I wouldn’t want to go on without her but I mostly just want to sleep and put my body on autopilot so I can sleep this off and have my life pull itself together so I can wake up when things start to make sense and work out for me. I don’t want a lot out of life, I just want to meet someone and have a successful longterm relationship and live a semi-boring, domestic life. I don’t care to see the whole world, I just want a normal life with someone special. I don’t even know if I’m worth that to someone.

Onwards and upwards.

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Lauren and I decided to end our relationship this week. It was basically my call and although its devastating because I invested so much of myself into our relationship, in a sense I’m relieved because the whole situation was pretty emotionally exhausting and draining for a while. I just kept holding on thinking things would get better or they’d change but they didn’t and I knew in a sense it was going to end, I just wasn’t ready to let the idea of us and what we could have been and what we could have had go. I know I deserve better and I deserve someone who is willing to try and to fight for me if needed and I just wasn’t getting that. I’ve learned a lot about myself and what I want and need and I’m grateful for that, and I’m no longer ashamed to admit that I want those things. Obviously I’m worried there won’t be anyone else for me (mostly just because being a lesbian who doesn’t know any other lesbians or even how to meet any) but my friends are really reassuring about it. That’s the best thing that came out of all of this, realising how great my friends are and how much they care. My self esteem has taken a bit of a hit from the whole ordeal but I know I did the right thing for both of us, we’re in very different places in our lives and I need to be with someone more emotionally mature and grown up. I need someone who is responsible, I need stability and I need consistency. I need a lot of reassurance sometimes and I need maturity. I need a lot of attention and interaction. I need openness and honesty. I need to feel accepted and appreciated. I seek approval in a lot of things and I need a lot of guidance, sometimes. And I know I deserve these things and I’m hopeful I’ll find them with someone else one day. Onto bigger and better things, I guess.