A couple of weeks ago my brother and I drove to Melbourne to see Paramore and catch a plane to see them the next day in Sydney. The plan seemed simple enough but man, almost everything that could have gone wrong, did. Matt’s car died in the middle of Melbourne CBD in peak hour traffic, the car was fine and then it just wasn’t. The gear box just went. Add a 2 hour delay in our already late plans. We got to Paramore about half an hour before they came on stage and I was so tense and stressed. It all melted away when the lights went down. Next morning we flew to Sydney, spent the day in Sydney CBD and my friend Rach showed us around Glebe and a few other places. I was so physically and emotionally exhausted by the end of the day, as much as I’d been looking forward to seeing my favourite band of the last 12/13 years twice in 24 hours, I wanted it to be over so we could get back to Melbourne and I could sleep in a bed and not have a deadline to be somewhere. I didn’t enjoy Sydney and I’d happily never return there. The rest of the Melbourne trip was chill and what I needed. Paramore are amazing and I hope I catch them a few times in the states this year, I’ll never get enough of seeing them.
We ate some good vegan food, saw some friends and got tattooed and hung out with my babe Nat G and it made all the stress okay. I wouldn’t say the stress was worth it, it was 2 days of almost hell. But Nat’s presence and hugs brighten my life and make everything feel a little lighter. Social media has allowed me to meet so many great people, my love included. As bad as social media can be for me at times, other times it’s okay. I just try to limit my time on there now.
Tomorrow is my last day at work ever. I’ve had a really horrible week so it’s bittersweet. I’m relieved to be leaving but I’m sad at the same time. I really love some of the people I work with and have met through there and soon I’ll be on another continent and everything will be different. I’ve been really emotional and unstable this week and I catch myself tearing up all the time, I just keep trying to push it down. I don’t think these mood stabilisers are working for me, I don’t feel like anything is stabilised. I’m still getting violently angry at myself and I feel so raw all the time. When I was on zoloft I felt kinda like I was wrapped in bubble wrap and things didn’t get to me as much but now I feel like I’m full of lightning and it almost hurts to be alive. I don’t know how else to explain that so I guess I’ll leave it at that.
This turned more negative and honest than I intended but I’m going with it, because being truthful to myself even in my struggle within myself is important. I’m just gonna post some highlights from my trip to reflect on;
After Laughter has been a really important album for me since it came out and seeing AL songs live along with a song I never thought I’d get to experience live (I Caught Myself) this tour was really emotional for me.
My mental health is in such a weird place right now. I’m so anxious and on edge all the time, barely able to leave my house. Getting outside makes me feel better and grounds me but the process required to make me feel capable of walking out my door is frustrating. My job is currently my biggest trigger and I know this, but I am unable to change that right now. I am 4 months out from my pro-rata pay out hitting, my lease is up in August 2018 and that will be the time for change. I want to be able to leave my job when my pro-rata is available to me. K and I have been talking about when she’s going to move here. We want to do van life and then eventually have a tiny house when we find somewhere we want to settle. I want to be as self sufficient as possible and spend my life in nature. I need a simple life without so much influence and outside stress infiltrating my mind. It’s hard for me to accept that I just can’t necessarily handle what others can and I can’t cope within the same environments that others can. K is really great at helping me find clarity within myself, my BPD and anxiety; she truly is a blessing in my life. I’ve never felt for anyone the way I feel for her, I never really bought into the ‘when you know, you know’ thing, but god, I really feel like she is my person. Everything I’ve ever felt for anyone else is incomparable to what I feel for K. It’s funny how life works out, given that we are currently in different countries and we met via the internet and without it, our paths would never have crossed. We have too much in common and too much mutual understanding for us to not be together. Without the internet, would I have gone on, unable to find someone I could truly be intimate with; forever starving for that level of understanding and appreciation? She is truly the first person who has understood me and the things I struggle and suffer with, and made the idea of a future and life bearable. Exciting, even. K will be here on November 19 for a week and I can’t wait to be with her and make memories together. I’m taking her along the Great Ocean Road and to the Grampians, hopefully I can show my American some cute Aussie wildlife. I am more excited to show her my favourite/beautiful places than she is to see them. I know I don’t need to convince her to move to Australia, she’s already sold on it. We’re already making plans, logistics matter but what truly matters to both of us is that we are together. Everything is so small compared to us and the way we feel to each other. I feel complete and total security and safety with her which is something I’ve never felt with anyone before. I’m excited about our future and all the possibilities it entails.