2017 wrap up.

Kae came to visit in November and we spent a week in Melbourne, visiting The Great Ocean Road, The Grampians and my home town where she met my family and my best friend. It was the first time we met in person and I was so nervous about kissing her and I was stressing myself out, I felt like a nervous teenager again but she eased my nerves immediately. As soon as I looked into her eyes I felt like I was home. I’ve never felt as comfortable and safe with someone as I do with her and it was such an easy decision for me to move out of my flat and leave my job in 2 months and fly to Florida to be with her. I never thought I’d be that person that said “when you know, you just know” but god, I just have a feeling and I need to run with it. I love this person and I love the way she makes me feel and the way she makes me want to be better to myself and I want her by my side while I heal and grow into a better version of myself, and I want to be there with her while she does the same. I’ve never felt like this before and I think all my heartache was preparing me for a relationship where I could actually see and feel my value.

I didn’t even get a final Christmas in my flat, I had expected to be there until after the holidays but they found a new tenant so fast. I’m relieved not to be paying rent anymore and to be able to pay off bills and debts but I miss my little home. I was not ready to move out yet, it was the only place that really felt like home to me and I thought I had more time to detach. Sebastian is slowly adjusting to living at my parents house, I think he thought I was dropping him off and leaving because he usually stays here while I’m away. He’s finally warmed back up to me and is sleeping with me again, it took him a week. I’m worried about leaving him for Florida for a few months. I don’t want him to hate me when I get back. I took him outside for a wander the other day and he loved it. I love seeing him excited about the dirt and the grass and the flowers. He’s so cute and sweet.

2017 was a pretty big year for me, I guess. I ended a relationship I thought I was happy in but I think I was misunderstood the entire time. I started seeing a new therapist and she’s great, I adore her and we get along really well. If she wasn’t my therapist I’d want to be her friend. I met Kae not long after I ended that other relationship, she messaged me on tumblr of all places and she said she knew that I had just ended a relationship and I wasn’t in a good place and she knew what I needed so she waited. It’s so strange to me that someone could feel like that about me before even really knowing me. I just know that she is my person and I want to experience everything with her. I’m really excited for what our life together will bring. I feel excited for the future for the first time in a really long time (possibly the first time in my life?) and I can’t wait.


Waterfalls, goals and 25.

So I’ve been gone from this for a little while (regrettably) and I thought about updating this so many times but never actually took the time to sit down and do it. So I just turned 25 and now I’m feeling that urge to do something with myself and my life. Last year I moved into my first place alone and while I struggled with so much ‘me’ time to begin with (and boy, did I whinge about it) now I’ve come to depend on it and require more alone time to recharge myself. I’m moving again in two weeks into somewhat of an apartment, cheaper rent, closer to town centre, bigger kitchen, no charge for water usage and a balcony!!! Kinda feels like I won the lottery with this one. I feel more determined than ever to actually go and complete my diploma so this year I really want to work on saving a lot of money and relocating to the city to get it done. I spent my 25th birthday in Halls Gap in The Grampians and swimming in a waterfall (Mackenzie Falls) and it was probably the best way to spend my birthday without really acknowledging it. I didn’t have a single breakdown about it, though I did have a couple of dreams about it. This year I really want to worry less about others and how I fit into their lives and just allow things to happen and not get too caught up in my emotions. Not sure how successful I’m going to be in that but I want to be happy within myself and not depend on others for validation. I’d also really like to not get caught up in my mental illness this year and not indulge in self destructive behaviours or things that I know will harm me. If not for myself, for someone else I care a lot about and don’t want to disappoint.

Simple goals for myself this year:

  • Save money.
  • Possibly travel to a state I’ve never visited. Swim in more waterfalls.
  • Find peace within myself and my life, even when I can’t control all situations.
  • Stress less about the little things.
  • Find new hobbies and interests that bring me happiness and validation from myself.



Great Ocean Road (late post)

So those are all my pictures from my trip when I did Great Ocean Road in early November (oops!). The ones I like, at least. I don’t actually like any of them anymore because VSCO Cam was recently released for Android (long after these pictures were taken) and I lost the originals so there’s no use trying to re-edit them. I’d been waiting for VSCO for sooo long and it’s basically the only editing app I use now, it’s my favourite. We left Friday and drove to Warrnambool and stayed overnight there, I always love going to Warrnambool, I think I’d actually like to move there in the near future. Saturday morning we drove Great Ocean Road and drove to Lorne, stopping at a few of the sites along the way. The weather was pretty bad and we got rained on for most of the day so my photo’s didn’t come out too great, I mostly stuck to using my Instax Mini to document the trip with because it was easier (and easier to scrapbook, which I’ve only just now started doing!) When we got to Lorne we checked in and basically went out and had a look around, bought some alcohol and food and stayed in the room all night. We checked out a waterfall just before Lorne but I forget what it was called, but you could actually hike (basically) to the base of it and even walk into it if you wanted, there was a whole family down there doing a photoshoot with their newborn though so I didn’t get to explore as much as I wanted to, but I’ll probably head back there one day to look at all the falls we skipped. Melba Gully was gorgeous and is one of my favourite places on Earth, I’ll definitely go back to see how things have changed in a few years. We stayed the night in Lorne and headed out to Geelong on Sunday morning, we checked out Erskine Fall before we left because it was one of the falls with the shortest distance to walk to get to it, we were completely unaware the entire distance was steep stairs all the way down. I got so lightheaded on the way back up and it was partly because we’d walked so much and so many sets of stairs the day before, and I also think going back up through the rainforest messed with my head and lungs a little bit, adjusting to the air again. We saw the 12 Apostles along Great Ocean Road but we got rained on the whole time so I didn’t get to enjoy it as much as I would have. But I’ll definitely go back, it’s a really cool trip to do. Just make sure you don’t have to pee the whole time because that is painful! So many twists and turns.

Break-over phase II.

I haven’t updated in a month, though I’ve been meaning to. Nothing too exciting has happened, mostly working, but there have been a few fun things between. I ventured off into Victoria again and saw (drove by) the Grampians, went to Portland and finally saw Cape Bridgewater, which is gorgeous. Definitely need to go swimming there in summer, look at that blue water! Michael came down from Adelaide to visit and he did his thing on my hair. I now finally have a red to orange ombre that I’ve been lusting after for so long. I’m so happy. He’s ridic. talented and I can’t wait to live in Adelaide where I can go to him for my hair all the time. The camera that I wanted and was going to put my tax return towards became unavailable/was out of stock so I decided it was a sign to be responsible and put the money into savings to move with, so I did. And then a couple of days ago, I got an email saying it was available again AND in the colour/version I want! Sucks that I now can’t allow myself to buy it. I love my Pentax but sometimes I just crave new things. Going to break out my little Pentax baby on a sunny spring day and get myself back into the habit of using an actual camera to take photo’s, rather than using my phone. Which does the job and produces some awesome images, but I put a lot of money towards my Pentax and I’d hate to waste it.

I’m currently off work for about a week with a flu of some kind, my doctor said she wants me resting and not working, so my kidney can rest and so my blood pressure can calm. Although, it was lower this time! Still not great but it was definitely lower, but she said it could be because I’m sick so we’re checking it again in October/November when she does my blood test results again. Never thought going to get a prescription for the pill would open all these doors, dang. As long as things are being looked after, I guess. My diet has been shocking (I’m talking fast food more than once a week) because I’m still in a weird place since my break up and I’m at the “I don’t give a f**k about anything” stage, which will catch up to me eventually, I’m sure.

In some weird moment of self reflection after waking up hungover on Sunday I realised what the actual reason I started drinking after my break up was-  I thought it would bring Lauren back (even though I don’t want her back), I thought it would piss her off into caring again (which it hasn’t, I don’t think she cares how I end up, frankly). I guess I’m still struggling to let go of someone/something that meant everything to me for 7 years. It was a pretty disappointing moment, to realise how weak and pathetic I actually am and how vulnerable I still am to her, even without her being a direct issue. Here’s hoping I can grow up and actually be the strong person my friends and family think I am. Starting with making decisions for myself that I need to make, even if they’re stressful or difficult to begin with.

Spontaneous roadtrips & impulse decisions.

On Saturday (10th of August) I woke up to 2 text messages from Flic, one saying “Do you have money?” and “Are you awake?” and then an hour later she was outside my house and we went on a spontaneous trip out of town and state and went on a day trip to Warrnambool. We wanted to go shopping at Supre so that was our main purpose but I found nothing I wanted in store and I was really disappointed. Ended up buying an awesome candle though so I’m happy with that! It was nice to get out of town and as soon as we crossed the border and got closer to the coast the air felt warmer and lighter and I was instantly happier. So strange how even just being 100-200km from where you live (and hate) can lift your spirits.

Driving through Warrnambool was weird because I completely forgot until I saw those trees that I had actually made plans to have a life with someone here. I started looking at houses, and imagining a life with someone. I forgot completely about how invested I had been and the realisation of it all made me sick to my stomach. I could have been living there. We drove down streets I looked at houses on and names I recognised. I hadn’t thought about it once in the entire 7 months we’ve been broken up for. I felt really sad. I still feel sad. But the weight of the emotions I feel about Warrnambool and the regrets I have about that relationship are motivating me to take my happiness into my own hands and Kasey and I are talking about where we want to live in Adelaide and where I’ll transfer to, for work. I’m so excited to start making plans and putting things in place. Good things are coming and I hope I don’t dread or regret my 23rd year as much as I’ve regretted the last few.

Life things.

I guess I got really slack with posting here. I’ve just been dealing with a lot of things and a lot of post relationship feelings that I thought were over but I guess they’re not. I went to Adelaide last week with Ozzie so she could see Tool play and it was fun. I definitely want to move up there now and kinda start my life over. I ended up having to buy a new laptop because my other one died and it was in the same week I had to replace my phone because I smashed it when I was drunk and stupid, so I went through about $1500 of my savings that week and it sucked. But now my phone and laptop are both white and match and they’re pretty.

I discovered a new bath bomb at Lush that I like (and I’d never even tried it or considered it before), Avobath. Smells so good. Treated myself to my 2 faves and that one + a lip stain I’ve been wanting for ages. I just wanna live in the city and work in a cute store like Lush or Typo and have cute city friends and do cute city things. I’m going to move up asap.

Adelaide trip.


I went to Adelaide for a week to visit Michael and I had a really good time. Spent the entire 6 hour bus trip up listening to the new The Story So Far album which is definitely my album of the year (unless Paramore tops it). Every song is so relatable, Bad Luck is basically the story of my life and my last relationship and break up. I’m only just realising how messed up I am because of her so I’m thinking of getting therapy. Also making plans to move to Adelaide soon because I felt so at home there and so much happier. When I got home last night and walked into my room I kinda just wanted to sit on the floor and cry because of being surrounded by constant reminders of my ex. This whole town is a constant reminder and I want out, even though she doesn’t live here. I’m going to start doing everything I want this year, I started by getting my inverted naval piercing which I’ve wanted for years and kept putting off. Finally did it and I’m so glad and I’m in love with it.

We went to Monarto Zoo in Adelaide and unfortunately the meerkats weren’t there :(. I did see giraffes though and hyenas! Hyenas are my favourite land animal. Sadly we couldn’t walk around to them so I could get decent photos of them but I may have gotten a couple satisfactory ones on my camera so when I edit them I’ll post them. We also went to Hahndorf which is like a little Germany town in the Adelaide Hills and it’s super cute. We went to a place where you can make your own candles but unfortunately we didn’t, I wish I did. I’ll have to go back and do that. We ate at this super cute cafe which had all fresh sort of foods, has fhe greatest toasted cheese sandwich with tomato, lettuce, purple basil and a beetroot spread on it. And fresh watermelon juice! Delicious.

I really haven’t been bothered to do anything since I got home besides eat. Luckily I don’t have to work until tomorrow, not at all looking forward to going back. But I’m going back up to Adelaide at the end of next month with Ozzie because she wants to see Tool so we’re going up and she’s going to the concert herself. Hopefully I cab save a bit of money before then because I spent a lot in Adelaide this time round. Bought lots of nice winter clothes though so that’s exciting. I love winter.

I can’t believe how slack I got with updating this. My bad.

January 19, 2013.

I went to the wildlife park again today, purely for the sake of exercise and giving my camera some use and managed to get a few good pictures, which I then spent the entire afternoon in bed editing while watching Will & Grace from the beginning. I have the worst headache again and I feel to sick to eat and I’m in too bad of a mood to leave my bed so all I’ve eaten today is a peanut butter and banana sandwich. Oh well. I spent most of my day off in bed today and I’m kind of annoyed about it.