I went to Adelaide a couple of weeks ago to hang out with Michael for the first time since January and see Balance and Composure and La Dispute and get my tattoo finished off. It was probably my most expensive four day trip ever (mostly because of my tattoo) but I definitely needed it and as soon as I stepped onto the tarmac I felt like I could breathe again. I’ve just felt like I’m suffocating here for so long and I feel like I’ve been watching myself drown without knowing how to pull myself out without the means of temporary escapes but as soon as I’m back here I start sinking again. I know I need to get out and I’m working towards that. A lot of things have come up this year that I want to do so I’ve been waiting around and wasting away waiting for these things to happen. I won’t be here this time next year, I’ve already decided. I checked out of this place and everything here a long time ago and I’m beginning to think that’s why I’m so tired and feel so lost all the time, my body is here but I am not and I’m trying to find and catch up to myself. No wonder I’ve been so run down for a year, I’ve been trying to outrun myself and I’ve gone too far. It’s weird to feel unstable when I have an income and a roof above my head and parents who support me (and still allow and want me to live with them) but I feel like I’m treading deep water and can’t seem to see any shore or anything I want to grab onto. It’s interesting and somewhat something I’m proud of that even when I’m struggling for a support system, I won’t compromise myself to find it. I’m sick of temporary escapes and temporary happiness and it’s time I took responsibility for myself and got myself onto solid ground, I’m just still trying to figure out how and where to go.
Trekked solo to Melbourne to attend Soundwave and the ADTR/The Ghost Inside sidewave with my pal Georgia. Had a blast even though we crammed a lot into my four days in my favourite city. Checked out the aquarium and was very disappointed in their lack of an octopus (my favourite animal in the world) but did see some cute jellies and rays. Also met the lovely Nat who did a super pretty tattoo on my leg, can’t wait to see her a million more times because not only is she crazy talented, she’s probably one of the coolest people I’ve ever met and I’ve never felt so comfortable talking to someone or meeting someone for the first time in my life. Plus I did have to take my pants off for her so now we’re definitely pals because I don’t take my pants off for just anyone. I fell in love with Melbourne and I saw so many friends at Soundwave and it felt like home. Definitely cemented in my mind that Melbourne is where I want to live and where I need to relocate to. Going to try and get back there in a few months to see friends again, I was going to head up for La Dispute and Balance and Composure but I know my way around Adelaide a little easier and know how to get to the venue in Adelaide way easier than I would in Melbourne and Michael and I are way overdue for a hangout.
Since I got back from Melbourne I’ve just been working a lot and saving to go and finish my certificate IV at tafe, considering I finished my cert III the week I went to Melbourne, such a good week! Except when I came home to find our rosters have been cut and now it’s going to be even harder for me to pay the two and a half grand (ridiculous) fee to finish two units and have my certification. Not sure how it can cost so much but be almost half the price in Victoria? I’m heading to Warrnambool next Monday to talk to them and see if we can figure something out, I have a bad feeling it’s going to come down to “You’re not a Victorian resident” and then I’ll be stuck funding it in South Australia anyway. Might just have to get another loan. Really didn’t want to be 23 with two debts already. Life, huh.
So on January 14th I got to see my favourite band in the whole wide world again after having not seen them since 2010. Matt, Michael and I were at the venue by 9am and hung around all day. I met up with Chloe, Briddey, Caitlin and their little group and we talked/hung out for most of the day. It was 46 degrees and there was no shelter (besides a car park) and no relief from the heat besides a sprinkler system set up across the car park that we made ocassional trips to in order to cool off and we had to cross the road and tram line (slowest traffic lights I’ve ever come across in my life I swear) to go across the road to The Gov (pub) and use their toilet. I’m sure everyone though the 50 or so of us that were there were insane. Eventually 6pm rolled around and the doors started to open, we were pretty close in the line but given that at Adelaide Entertainment Centre there is no order or organisation, as soon as doors opened, everyone stampeded in and people that got there at 4pm got in before those of us that had been there all day, some of them even pushed in front of my friends that had been there since 4am or earlier. Not impressed. So we didn’t end up with as good as a spot as planned but we ended up 7th from barrier in the beginning, 5th from barrier halfway through Paramore’s set and then 2nd/3rd from barrier during their encore. It was the most fun I’ve ever had in my life and next time they come back, I’m definitely doing the full tour. I feel like I missed out big time because I only did Adelaide, next time I want to do as many as possible, if not all. So Paramore, please come back before I am too old to follow you on tour!
You Me At Six: Stay With Me
Paramore: Grow Up.
Paramore: In The Mourning
Paramore: I’m Not Angry Anymore
Paramore: Part II outro
Paramore: Still Into You
These are all my favourite photo’s from Warped. I saw Man Overboard, Tonight Alive (my favourite of the day), New Found Glory, Simple Plan and The Offspring. I ended up going to the Tonight Alive signing after seeing their set because I knew I just had to meet them after seeing them, I’ve loved them since 2009 when they were a baby band with a demo out and never had the chance to see them live until Warped this year. We managed to get 3rd from barrier for their set and I was stoked with that. They’re such lovely people and they’re so sweet, Jenna is the most beautiful person on the planet, I swear. I was all cool and calm until she smiled at me and I basically melted and my mind went “Shit. I can’t talk to you” but I think I did okay, she told me she loved my hair and we had a semi awkward conversation about her colour, because I told her I loved hers and completely forgot to mention how much The Other Side has helped me this year. I’m pretty sure I’ve never screamed lyrics louder in my life than I did to The Fire, Don’t Wish and Wasting Away that day. Definitely going to try my hardest to catch them on their next Aus tour! New Found Glory were amazing as expected, I knew they were gonna be good because they’re my favourite band AND they were playing my favourite album of theirs (my gateway album! (Sticks and Stones) in whole and a few others. Also went to their signing and I was so nervous about talking to them. I was fine until Chad said hi to me and my mind blanked and I was like “how do I talk to you”, but he told me he loved my shirt (NFG Connect The Dots preorder shirt) and we had a little conversation about it, and I told him I’m looking forward to hearing the new Candy Hearts release because he’s producing it and he was so sweet. Such a humble guy. Hopefully I can meet them again and not make a fool of myself next time. Jordan asked what my phone case was (the pink cats face one, it’s huge) and I guess he must have noticed it in the crowd because we were 2nd from barrier, it was so much easier than I expected to get such a good spot! We were on the wrong side of the stage for when Chad climbed up on the barrier though. But I’ll remember that for next time. I had so much fun and it made me want to go to Soundwave next year, so far the plan is looking like going to Melbourne and hangin’ with Georgia!
My phone did not handle audio recording well but I got a few good videos of Tonight Alive at Warped.
Jenna in front of us for No Different. Coolest moment.
Jenna’s speech before Lonely Girl. I wish I would have kept recording to the part where she sings “And I won’t be the one to kep you sane” and says “She’s fucking crazy” afterwards because it’s cute and I love her energy and her attitude on stage.
My really terrible recording of Don’t Wish because this song means a lot to me. The “I always wished you well” part where she holds that note makes me melt, so flawless live.
I’m still so excited by my day at Warped and all the bands I saw, I’m so happy I went.
So those are all my pictures from my trip when I did Great Ocean Road in early November (oops!). The ones I like, at least. I don’t actually like any of them anymore because VSCO Cam was recently released for Android (long after these pictures were taken) and I lost the originals so there’s no use trying to re-edit them. I’d been waiting for VSCO for sooo long and it’s basically the only editing app I use now, it’s my favourite. We left Friday and drove to Warrnambool and stayed overnight there, I always love going to Warrnambool, I think I’d actually like to move there in the near future. Saturday morning we drove Great Ocean Road and drove to Lorne, stopping at a few of the sites along the way. The weather was pretty bad and we got rained on for most of the day so my photo’s didn’t come out too great, I mostly stuck to using my Instax Mini to document the trip with because it was easier (and easier to scrapbook, which I’ve only just now started doing!) When we got to Lorne we checked in and basically went out and had a look around, bought some alcohol and food and stayed in the room all night. We checked out a waterfall just before Lorne but I forget what it was called, but you could actually hike (basically) to the base of it and even walk into it if you wanted, there was a whole family down there doing a photoshoot with their newborn though so I didn’t get to explore as much as I wanted to, but I’ll probably head back there one day to look at all the falls we skipped. Melba Gully was gorgeous and is one of my favourite places on Earth, I’ll definitely go back to see how things have changed in a few years. We stayed the night in Lorne and headed out to Geelong on Sunday morning, we checked out Erskine Fall before we left because it was one of the falls with the shortest distance to walk to get to it, we were completely unaware the entire distance was steep stairs all the way down. I got so lightheaded on the way back up and it was partly because we’d walked so much and so many sets of stairs the day before, and I also think going back up through the rainforest messed with my head and lungs a little bit, adjusting to the air again. We saw the 12 Apostles along Great Ocean Road but we got rained on the whole time so I didn’t get to enjoy it as much as I would have. But I’ll definitely go back, it’s a really cool trip to do. Just make sure you don’t have to pee the whole time because that is painful! So many twists and turns.
November 2nd, first beach day of the summer. I forgot how good it feels to drive half an hour out to a secluded beach and to be almost completely alone. It feels like another world and it’s really refreshing. It’s crazy how just driving out to the beach with music playing so loud is enough to make you happy to be alive. I don’t remember the last time I felt such intoxicating joy but it was a really welcomed feeling. The weird patch of sunburn on my back and sunburn up the back of my legs, however, was not.
Flic and I went to Warrnambool again a couple of weekends ago and saw some waterfalls. It was a really nice day until we got back into town and had a car accident. But we’re okay, her car not so much. I was worried it would put me off driving again but I’ve driven since and I felt fine about it. I’ve spent today thinking a lot about how far I’ve come this year. It’s so strange how one thing, like randomly deciding to chop your fringe off, and then chopping it even shorter, can throw you into a whole new level of self confidence. It’s so liberating to just decide to cut my hair and not care what anyone else thinks. I’ve never felt better about myself and had a better attitude towards myself until I cut my hair like this. I basically feel like I can take on the whole world and I’ll still look tough as doing it. And despite the fact that a year ago this day would have been significant to me for another reason, today now marks 9 months of learning to love myself and look out for myself and not depend on anyone else to do it, because they will always drop the ball. I wish it didn’t take until I was 22 (almost 23) to figure out how important it is to like yourself for who you are and to be okay with things you view as your flaws and things you tried to hide from everyone (even partners) for years. Today I feel great and I know, now, that the way I was living a year ago, desperately trying to please someone else and constantly trying to prove my worth to them, is not the right way to live and if someone can’t like or love me for who I am now and how I look, then I don’t need ‘em! Thankful to have had this lesson in self discovery this year. I’m so proud of myself and that’s not something I’ve felt for a very long time.
This is a weird post for me to make because I don’t usually blog about cosmetics and make up, unless I’m talking about what I’ve bought, rather than what I think of what I’ve bought. But yesterday I went to Priceline to have a look at their sales and ended up at the Model’s Prefer display, eyeing off brushes. Now, I don’t need any more make up brushes (I have about 10-15) but they had a ‘3 for the price of 2’ sale happening and I wasn’t going to pass that up! After staring at the brushes for a while I still couldn’t decide what I wanted or needed to add to my little kit and started looking at products. I found this eyebrow ‘fixer’ gel and considering I have been using a wax over my brows to hold them in place (which was coloured and was prone to smudging, mind you) I picked it up and thought there was no harm in trying it out, especially because this was included in the ‘3 for 2’ sale. I also ended up picking up a eyebrow highlighter pencil (I’ve been using eyeshadow on mine) and this eye brightener cream, which is basically a pink concealer to put over dark circles under the eyes. I don’t really expect products like this to work, considering I try to use concealer on my dark circles all the time and they remain pretty noticeable so it’s just not something I worry too much about anymore, but when I used it today I was so suprised!
(Models Prefer – Eye Brightener) Initially I wasted a fair bit of the product because I couldn’t figure out how to use it properly. I twisted and twisted the cap but it didn’t seem to be getting anywhere, so I got impatient and twisted it faster and then a heap of the product spurted out onto my hand. You only need to use a really little bit of it because it spreads a lot and goes a long way. It definitely doesn’t feel oil based so it’s a nice, light product to wear under your foundation. I didn’t take a before picture of my dark circles but they’re fairly dark and fairly blue. This picture grosses me out because I can still see yesterday’s eyeliner and mascara on my bottom lashline but I guess I didn’t really think ahead. I wasn’t going to try and do a review of it on my blog because it’s not something I really do or think I’d be good at, and I didn’t expect it to work as well as it did. But I am so impressed with this! It sells for $12.99 and it’s definitely becoming a staple in my daily make up. It’s awesome.
I used the two brow products and they’re both excellent. The MP eyebrow highlighter is a white pencil and it goes on really smooth and considering I’m not a huge fan of pencil products, I really liked it and I’ll definitely be using it more often. I fill my eyebrows in with the Face Of Australia – High Definition Eyebrow kit and I swear by it, I don’t think I’ll ever seek out another eyebrow filler again. It comes with 2 shadows (powder form), one light brown, one dark brown and a wax, also in dark brown. I think the idea is you use the wax underneath so the powder sticks to it, but I can never get a shape I’m happy with by doing wax first, so I always do shadow to line/shape and fill and then put the wax over it to fill any gaps and to make them more sharp/defined. The MP Eyebrow Fixer gel is a cool little product and I don’t know why I didn’t use one like it before. These products are both now staples in my make up routine and kit.
Another product I used for the first time today (but isn’t necessarily new) was the Australis Matte Me – Lipstick Mattifying base. I bought this close to a month ago and haven’t really used it because I’ve been wearing only matte lipstick for the last month (I no longer like cream lipsticks, I want everything matte all the time, now) so thanks to this cool little product, now all my lipsticks can be matte! I’ve been sick with the flu for the past weeks so my lips are chapped and disgusting but that’s what make up is for, right! I applied the mattifying base underneath my lipstick and liner (hence the word ‘base’) and while it doesn’t hold the lipstick in place perfectly (never decide to eat immediately after applying red lipstick, it’s a messy/awful experience) it definitely doesn’t diminish the colour or make it any less effective. It also doesn’t make it a true matte but I think that would definitely be because of the conditioning/moisturising ingredients in the lipstick itself.
My eyeliner today is heavier than normal (mostly by accident) because I couldn’t get the line even and then you keep adding to make them balanced, and then it just usually ends up at the “It’s fine no one will be staring anyway” or “Now I look like a panda” stage, luckily I didn’t get to the panda stage today. In this photo’s it looks like I’m not wearing blush (probably because I’m still a little scared of it and don’t like to wear a lot) but I’m actually wearing Face Of Australia’s blush in Terra.
This post makes me a little self conscious because even though I love make up and have a big collection, I don’t normally talk about it or post about it but considering I think I know a little bit about it (and I did study for it and get a certificate out of it) I don’t think I should be insecure about it. I miss doing make up and I’m thinking about studying it further once I move and get settled in Adelaide. Why not, right! I put everything on hold and gave up all my own things for a relationship that didn’t work out and I’ve learnt how unhealthy it is to give yourself up for someone else and I know the only way I’ll find happiness is by finding it within myself and doing things I want to do and doing what makes me happy. So thankful to have learnt these lessons before it was too late. This change in my hair colour has been the biggest confidence boost. I was going through an almost quarter life crisis earlier this year (right after my break up) because I didn’t know ‘how I wanted to look’ or ‘what I’m supposed to look like’ or ‘who I’m meant to be’ and even though it was stressful, it’s actually freeing to realise ‘wow, I can be someone completely different now’. I definitely plan on being a stronger, happier version of myself from now on, because I spent my time since I was about 17 not feeling good enough for anything and like I couldn’t accomplish or achieve anything and hiding myself from life. I was actually hiding, and now I don’t want to. I want to go out and do everything I’ve ever wanted and I’m excited to start a new life in Adelaide with my best friend. 23 is going to be so much better than 22, 21, 20, and all the previous years, I’ll make sure of it.
I haven’t updated in a month, though I’ve been meaning to. Nothing too exciting has happened, mostly working, but there have been a few fun things between. I ventured off into Victoria again and saw (drove by) the Grampians, went to Portland and finally saw Cape Bridgewater, which is gorgeous. Definitely need to go swimming there in summer, look at that blue water! Michael came down from Adelaide to visit and he did his thing on my hair. I now finally have a red to orange ombre that I’ve been lusting after for so long. I’m so happy. He’s ridic. talented and I can’t wait to live in Adelaide where I can go to him for my hair all the time. The camera that I wanted and was going to put my tax return towards became unavailable/was out of stock so I decided it was a sign to be responsible and put the money into savings to move with, so I did. And then a couple of days ago, I got an email saying it was available again AND in the colour/version I want! Sucks that I now can’t allow myself to buy it. I love my Pentax but sometimes I just crave new things. Going to break out my little Pentax baby on a sunny spring day and get myself back into the habit of using an actual camera to take photo’s, rather than using my phone. Which does the job and produces some awesome images, but I put a lot of money towards my Pentax and I’d hate to waste it.
I’m currently off work for about a week with a flu of some kind, my doctor said she wants me resting and not working, so my kidney can rest and so my blood pressure can calm. Although, it was lower this time! Still not great but it was definitely lower, but she said it could be because I’m sick so we’re checking it again in October/November when she does my blood test results again. Never thought going to get a prescription for the pill would open all these doors, dang. As long as things are being looked after, I guess. My diet has been shocking (I’m talking fast food more than once a week) because I’m still in a weird place since my break up and I’m at the “I don’t give a f**k about anything” stage, which will catch up to me eventually, I’m sure.
In some weird moment of self reflection after waking up hungover on Sunday I realised what the actual reason I started drinking after my break up was- I thought it would bring Lauren back (even though I don’t want her back), I thought it would piss her off into caring again (which it hasn’t, I don’t think she cares how I end up, frankly). I guess I’m still struggling to let go of someone/something that meant everything to me for 7 years. It was a pretty disappointing moment, to realise how weak and pathetic I actually am and how vulnerable I still am to her, even without her being a direct issue. Here’s hoping I can grow up and actually be the strong person my friends and family think I am. Starting with making decisions for myself that I need to make, even if they’re stressful or difficult to begin with.
On Saturday (10th of August) I woke up to 2 text messages from Flic, one saying “Do you have money?” and “Are you awake?” and then an hour later she was outside my house and we went on a spontaneous trip out of town and state and went on a day trip to Warrnambool. We wanted to go shopping at Supre so that was our main purpose but I found nothing I wanted in store and I was really disappointed. Ended up buying an awesome candle though so I’m happy with that! It was nice to get out of town and as soon as we crossed the border and got closer to the coast the air felt warmer and lighter and I was instantly happier. So strange how even just being 100-200km from where you live (and hate) can lift your spirits.
Driving through Warrnambool was weird because I completely forgot until I saw those trees that I had actually made plans to have a life with someone here. I started looking at houses, and imagining a life with someone. I forgot completely about how invested I had been and the realisation of it all made me sick to my stomach. I could have been living there. We drove down streets I looked at houses on and names I recognised. I hadn’t thought about it once in the entire 7 months we’ve been broken up for. I felt really sad. I still feel sad. But the weight of the emotions I feel about Warrnambool and the regrets I have about that relationship are motivating me to take my happiness into my own hands and Kasey and I are talking about where we want to live in Adelaide and where I’ll transfer to, for work. I’m so excited to start making plans and putting things in place. Good things are coming and I hope I don’t dread or regret my 23rd year as much as I’ve regretted the last few.