I had the laziest day today. I slept in, woke up late, drank a big pot of tea to myself, did a hair treatment, laid on the couch under my doona and watched 80’s/90’s movies all afternoon/night. I forgot how nice it is to be comfortable in my own company. I find myself alone often but it’s not always as easy to be in my own company as it was today, sometimes I struggle and overthink myself to a point of frustration and dissatisfaction with myself and my life but today I just felt so content. My mental state was in a really good place today and I felt so at ease within myself, which is rare for me. I hope this year I can feel this more often and not succumb to my unstable moods as much as last year. 2015/24 was probably the toughest year I’ve ever had in terms of mental health and stability. I feel like I completely lacked any grounding and I found myself spiralling so frequently I could never really get a grasp of myself to help myself. I think when I move into my new apartment I’m going to adopt/rescue a cat for companionship and support. I feel like having a sense of responsibility for something else will help me keep focussed on getting to a good place and knowing I can come home to cuddle a bundle of fluff and joy will give me a lot to look forward to. My cat that I’d had since I was 8 years old passed away on boxing day just gone and I feel a sense of emptiness knowing she’s no longer around and that she isn’t at my parents house when I go to visit them. I still look for her all the time.
So I’ve been gone from this for a little while (regrettably) and I thought about updating this so many times but never actually took the time to sit down and do it. So I just turned 25 and now I’m feeling that urge to do something with myself and my life. Last year I moved into my first place alone and while I struggled with so much ‘me’ time to begin with (and boy, did I whinge about it) now I’ve come to depend on it and require more alone time to recharge myself. I’m moving again in two weeks into somewhat of an apartment, cheaper rent, closer to town centre, bigger kitchen, no charge for water usage and a balcony!!! Kinda feels like I won the lottery with this one. I feel more determined than ever to actually go and complete my diploma so this year I really want to work on saving a lot of money and relocating to the city to get it done. I spent my 25th birthday in Halls Gap in The Grampians and swimming in a waterfall (Mackenzie Falls) and it was probably the best way to spend my birthday without really acknowledging it. I didn’t have a single breakdown about it, though I did have a couple of dreams about it. This year I really want to worry less about others and how I fit into their lives and just allow things to happen and not get too caught up in my emotions. Not sure how successful I’m going to be in that but I want to be happy within myself and not depend on others for validation. I’d also really like to not get caught up in my mental illness this year and not indulge in self destructive behaviours or things that I know will harm me. If not for myself, for someone else I care a lot about and don’t want to disappoint.
Simple goals for myself this year:
- Save money.
- Possibly travel to a state I’ve never visited. Swim in more waterfalls.
- Find peace within myself and my life, even when I can’t control all situations.
- Stress less about the little things.
- Find new hobbies and interests that bring me happiness and validation from myself.