4 days of self loathing & 3 nights of (slight) self medicating.

I originally posted this to my tumblr (where I vent a lot) but decided it was important enough to put on my blog-blog. I need to be able to look back on this on days where things feel difficult or I’m confused and feel like I’m back at square one all over again, or if I need to remind myself that I’m okay and things aren’t as bad as they seem.

During my 4 days of self loathing and past 3 nights spent drinking my feelings I have realised:

  • I miss you because I hate myself.
  • My lack of self esteem is the source of my feelings of missing you and wanting to be with you, just as you are a big part of my lack of self esteem. It’s not completely your fault, but you definitely didn’t help it.
  • The fact I clarify “while you weren’t working” as a part of you not having time for me, means I think that even if you were working, you would be allowed to neglect me and ignore me how you did and go 2 weeks without a conversation with me (like you did, more than once) and like the fact you had a job when that happened makes it okay, it doesn’t. You were fucking mean to me and I realise that now.
  • You made a lot of excuses for not being able to be there for me or not being able to meet the basic criteria of being my (or anyone’s) girlfriend but none of those excuses are good enough or make it okay, and no excuses could ever be good enough, because you can’t treat people the way you treated me and expect them to stick around.
  • I know I did the right thing for myself by leaving you and even though you were a third of my life so far, 7 whole fucking years, I have a lot more life left and eventually you won’t seem like such a big part of it.
  • The aching in my chest when I think of you or remember your voice or remember any good times we had will go away eventually and it won’t hurt as bad.
  • Eventually you won’t be the last thing I think of before I sleep, I know this because you’re not the first thing I think of when I wake up anymore. 1 out of 2 ain’t bad.
  • I have high standards but they’re really not hard to meet if you’re a good person and have your shit together, and eventually I will meet someone who wants to be with me and will try to be with me and will fight for me if they need to.
  • We were both too young and immature (and inexperienced) for the relationship (I) wanted and it turned out to be manipulative and I spent our whole relationship going in circles trying to make you love me and trying to make you want to be with me and in return I destroyed myself and my happiness, but I was naive and thought that was what love is. I know now it’s not.
  • I’m allowed to feel sad sometimes and I’m allowed to still be affected by the things we (I) went through and the problems I have now as a result.
  • It gets easier every day, even when it doesn’t feel like it and I feel like I’m making no progress at all, I know I am.
  • I will be okay.
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