Reflecting.

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I took these the day after we broke up the first time and I was devastated and I was miserable and I went to sleep that night not even caring if I didn’t wake up the next day, but a day or two after this day you came crawling back, stating that you knew what you wanted now and you wanted to be with me and you wanted to try, and I believed in you so we agreed to give it another go. You made plans to come and visit me four months later in December, you quit your job to get the time off and I was nervous. I still felt like you’d slipped away from me and I felt like for those four months, our whole relationship depended on and was counting on the fact you were coming here, but I still had no idea what would happen when you left again. You came here and things were okay, we were happy to be with each other again and I felt like maybe we had a chance. We had intended to have ‘the talk’ to figure out what we were going to do about the future of our relationship but we both put it off and deep down I knew we wouldn’t last once you went back home. I think that was always why I cried so much while we were apart, I knew we weren’t going to last and I’d invested so much of myself and my life into you and that’s not something that I do easily and it will be even harder next time. I remember the day you were leaving, we were sitting on my bed and I was crying and you said to me “I’ll be back, there’s no need” but I knew it wasn’t the truth and I knew you wouldn’t be back. I never believed you when you said it and I should have realised a long time ago that I shouldn’t be with someone I can’t count on or believe the things they say. I shouldn’t be with someone who dismisses my feelings and tells me “there’s no need” for my feelings and I shouldn’t be with someone that after 3 years of dating and 7 years of knowing me, still doesn’t know how to comfort me or be there for me. I was miserable the first time we broke up and I cried for two whole days,  but this time I know I did the right thing for myself and I’m glad I’m not letting myself be emotionally neglected and abused anymore. You still tell me I was the best thing that happened to you but I can’t say the same about you. The lessons I’ve learned from this perhaps, me learning what I’m worth and what I deserve are definitely some of the best things to happen to me. I don’t necessarily regret our relationship but I definitely regret letting it go on for as long as it did. I’m happier without you.

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