In my head.

I’ve been stuck in my head a lot the past few days. I’ve become increasingly frustrated with how I let myself be mistreated by my ex girlfriend and I regret wasting so many years on her. The more I read into it and think about it, I never felt loved by her and I tried so hard to do things that would make her show me that she did but she never really knew how. I guess shes romantically stunted or maybe she just didn’t love me like I thought she did. That’s a hard thought to accept. I dreamt about her multiple times this morning and they weren’t break up dreams, which I would prefer, they were dreams of us being together and being happy when I was actually miserable most of the time. I just can’t wrap my head around why I wasn’t enough. I really thought she loved me and she’d pick up her act but she never did. I don’t like being single and I’m learning that relationships for me are about attention and feeling important to someone and intimacy is more about attention and feeling important and loved than just having sex. I wish I could meet someone who could change my mind about everything but I don’t want to put all that effort into someone again just to have them decide I don’t matter enough and to check out. Lauren checked out 2 years ago but kept stringing me along and never pulled the plug. I always thought I wouldn’t want to go on without her but I mostly just want to sleep and put my body on autopilot so I can sleep this off and have my life pull itself together so I can wake up when things start to make sense and work out for me. I don’t want a lot out of life, I just want to meet someone and have a successful longterm relationship and live a semi-boring, domestic life. I don’t care to see the whole world, I just want a normal life with someone special. I don’t even know if I’m worth that to someone.

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