I got my second Supre order today and got this cool v neck tshirt dress (top left) for less than $17, it hides everything and it’s so soft and comfy, I love it. I’m still sick and I still feel it but I got dressed today and did my hair and put make up on to pretend I’m not as sick as I feel and it kinda worked! I’m not sure how I’ll go at work tomorrow but I guess we’ll see…I can’t afford more days off and I want to work as much as possible to spend money guilt free while I’m in Adelaide next month. I still need to book my tickets to Adelaide so I might do that after work tomorrow because I finish at like 2 or 2:30pm. I’m so unorganised! I’m so ready for this hot weather to be over, I just want autumn and winter already.
I took these the day after we broke up the first time and I was devastated and I was miserable and I went to sleep that night not even caring if I didn’t wake up the next day, but a day or two after this day you came crawling back, stating that you knew what you wanted now and you wanted to be with me and you wanted to try, and I believed in you so we agreed to give it another go. You made plans to come and visit me four months later in December, you quit your job to get the time off and I was nervous. I still felt like you’d slipped away from me and I felt like for those four months, our whole relationship depended on and was counting on the fact you were coming here, but I still had no idea what would happen when you left again. You came here and things were okay, we were happy to be with each other again and I felt like maybe we had a chance. We had intended to have ‘the talk’ to figure out what we were going to do about the future of our relationship but we both put it off and deep down I knew we wouldn’t last once you went back home. I think that was always why I cried so much while we were apart, I knew we weren’t going to last and I’d invested so much of myself and my life into you and that’s not something that I do easily and it will be even harder next time. I remember the day you were leaving, we were sitting on my bed and I was crying and you said to me “I’ll be back, there’s no need” but I knew it wasn’t the truth and I knew you wouldn’t be back. I never believed you when you said it and I should have realised a long time ago that I shouldn’t be with someone I can’t count on or believe the things they say. I shouldn’t be with someone who dismisses my feelings and tells me “there’s no need” for my feelings and I shouldn’t be with someone that after 3 years of dating and 7 years of knowing me, still doesn’t know how to comfort me or be there for me. I was miserable the first time we broke up and I cried for two whole days, but this time I know I did the right thing for myself and I’m glad I’m not letting myself be emotionally neglected and abused anymore. You still tell me I was the best thing that happened to you but I can’t say the same about you. The lessons I’ve learned from this perhaps, me learning what I’m worth and what I deserve are definitely some of the best things to happen to me. I don’t necessarily regret our relationship but I definitely regret letting it go on for as long as it did. I’m happier without you.
I slept until about 11am today because I don’t have to work until 4pm and I woke up with the worst cramps ever. But I got out of bed and did yoga and it kicked my ass because I haven’t done it in about a month because I got lazy and I was distracted by other things emotionally so I couldn’t focus when I tried to do it. I ate strawberries and drank green tea and for some reason I’m not craving greasy food yet and by this point I usually am so I’m glad that temptation isn’t there. I’m definitely craving pasta though.
My bed looks so inviting and I just want to spend my whole day there, or whats left of it. I’m doing a face mask right now and I’m going to write a list of things I need to order from Lush, body wash, hair treatment, all that basic stuff. I got hit on by a super hot girl last night via the internet but it definitely boosted my confidence because I don’t remember the last time someone called me beautiful or gorgeous and it felt genuine and not like they were just saying it or it was said in a way that I actually felt it. Apparently all the hot girls who are my type (that actually show an interest in me) live in America so I guess I need to move?
I’ve been stuck in my head a lot the past few days. I’ve become increasingly frustrated with how I let myself be mistreated by my ex girlfriend and I regret wasting so many years on her. The more I read into it and think about it, I never felt loved by her and I tried so hard to do things that would make her show me that she did but she never really knew how. I guess shes romantically stunted or maybe she just didn’t love me like I thought she did. That’s a hard thought to accept. I dreamt about her multiple times this morning and they weren’t break up dreams, which I would prefer, they were dreams of us being together and being happy when I was actually miserable most of the time. I just can’t wrap my head around why I wasn’t enough. I really thought she loved me and she’d pick up her act but she never did. I don’t like being single and I’m learning that relationships for me are about attention and feeling important to someone and intimacy is more about attention and feeling important and loved than just having sex. I wish I could meet someone who could change my mind about everything but I don’t want to put all that effort into someone again just to have them decide I don’t matter enough and to check out. Lauren checked out 2 years ago but kept stringing me along and never pulled the plug. I always thought I wouldn’t want to go on without her but I mostly just want to sleep and put my body on autopilot so I can sleep this off and have my life pull itself together so I can wake up when things start to make sense and work out for me. I don’t want a lot out of life, I just want to meet someone and have a successful longterm relationship and live a semi-boring, domestic life. I don’t care to see the whole world, I just want a normal life with someone special. I don’t even know if I’m worth that to someone.
The weather has been so cold and rainy the past few days, I love it. I finally got my new phone from Optus even though its the wrong colour because they “don’t know” how long the wait on the white handsets will be. Useless, really. But the phone is great and it’s huge and I love it. I’m looking at getting a white decal sticker so I can pretend my phone is white and not the ugly gunmetal grey colour. I have two days off work now and I never get two days off in a row so I’m really excited. I have plans with a friend to go shopping and do girl things on Tuesday and I think I need it so I’m looking forward to it. I’ve been in an awful mood the past few days and I’m thinking its because of end of relationship feelings and its starting to take a toll on me. I just want to be over this already.