Onwards and upwards.

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Lauren and I decided to end our relationship this week. It was basically my call and although its devastating because I invested so much of myself into our relationship, in a sense I’m relieved because the whole situation was pretty emotionally exhausting and draining for a while. I just kept holding on thinking things would get better or they’d change but they didn’t and I knew in a sense it was going to end, I just wasn’t ready to let the idea of us and what we could have been and what we could have had go. I know I deserve better and I deserve someone who is willing to try and to fight for me if needed and I just wasn’t getting that. I’ve learned a lot about myself and what I want and need and I’m grateful for that, and I’m no longer ashamed to admit that I want those things. Obviously I’m worried there won’t be anyone else for me (mostly just because being a lesbian who doesn’t know any other lesbians or even how to meet any) but my friends are really reassuring about it. That’s the best thing that came out of all of this, realising how great my friends are and how much they care. My self esteem has taken a bit of a hit from the whole ordeal but I know I did the right thing for both of us, we’re in very different places in our lives and I need to be with someone more emotionally mature and grown up. I need someone who is responsible, I need stability and I need consistency. I need a lot of reassurance sometimes and I need maturity. I need a lot of attention and interaction. I need openness and honesty. I need to feel accepted and appreciated. I seek approval in a lot of things and I need a lot of guidance, sometimes. And I know I deserve these things and I’m hopeful I’ll find them with someone else one day. Onto bigger and better things, I guess.

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