Winters coming early.

The past couple of days have been cold and rainy and it feels like winter is coming. It smells like rain outside and it’s amazing. Chai lattes, days spent in bed watching tv series on DVD, I love winter. Of course, I love autumn more so I’m excited for autumn to be just around the corner, mostly for photographic purposes but also for the clothing. I had my hair cut today and all she did was take the ends off but it looks and feels a lot shorter. Normally I’d be unhappy with this but it’s a change that I was craving, although its a small change, it’s still a change. I’m finding myself wanting to escape from myself and my life the past few days and I’m starting to feel insane. Everything is a lot easier now that I’m ‘out’ to all my relatives and a few of them have asked how I’m doing since Lauren and I broke up. But I’m doing fine, it honestly doesn’t feel all that different, I just don’t find myself waiting around and hoping for a text message anymore. I feel lighter. I splurged and bought an ipad the other day on an impulse decision and I’m not an impulsive person at all. I’m going to be close to broke for a few weeks but I plan to work more and extra hours so I can save for my holidays in March. I’m going to go up to Adelaide and visit Michael and he’s going to take me to gold class cinema and possibly take me to The Garden Of Unearthly Delights and I’m really excited. Excited to focus on myself for a while and just do things for me.

Onwards and upwards.

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Lauren and I decided to end our relationship this week. It was basically my call and although its devastating because I invested so much of myself into our relationship, in a sense I’m relieved because the whole situation was pretty emotionally exhausting and draining for a while. I just kept holding on thinking things would get better or they’d change but they didn’t and I knew in a sense it was going to end, I just wasn’t ready to let the idea of us and what we could have been and what we could have had go. I know I deserve better and I deserve someone who is willing to try and to fight for me if needed and I just wasn’t getting that. I’ve learned a lot about myself and what I want and need and I’m grateful for that, and I’m no longer ashamed to admit that I want those things. Obviously I’m worried there won’t be anyone else for me (mostly just because being a lesbian who doesn’t know any other lesbians or even how to meet any) but my friends are really reassuring about it. That’s the best thing that came out of all of this, realising how great my friends are and how much they care. My self esteem has taken a bit of a hit from the whole ordeal but I know I did the right thing for both of us, we’re in very different places in our lives and I need to be with someone more emotionally mature and grown up. I need someone who is responsible, I need stability and I need consistency. I need a lot of reassurance sometimes and I need maturity. I need a lot of attention and interaction. I need openness and honesty. I need to feel accepted and appreciated. I seek approval in a lot of things and I need a lot of guidance, sometimes. And I know I deserve these things and I’m hopeful I’ll find them with someone else one day. Onto bigger and better things, I guess.

January 19, 2013.

I went to the wildlife park again today, purely for the sake of exercise and giving my camera some use and managed to get a few good pictures, which I then spent the entire afternoon in bed editing while watching Will & Grace from the beginning. I have the worst headache again and I feel to sick to eat and I’m in too bad of a mood to leave my bed so all I’ve eaten today is a peanut butter and banana sandwich. Oh well. I spent most of my day off in bed today and I’m kind of annoyed about it.

January 16, 2013.

I turned 22 yesterday and I woke up this morning not feeling at all different and I think I’ve finally reached the age where all birthdays feel the same. It didn’t feel like my birthday and I don’t get excited about it anymore but I had lunch with all my favourite people and it was really nice. We went out to the beach after but the weather sucked down there and it was windy and awful so we didn’t stay long and we barely touched the water because the waves were so rough. Our little river expanded dramatically and I’m pretty sure our little rock pool would be ruined by now. I’m 22 now and all my social networking profiles still say I’m 21 and I don’t want to change them. Am I already at the age of not disclosing my age to people? I feel like I just turned 30 or something.

Spring cleaning.

Today after coming home from my blood test I had the urge to clean and organise things so I basically ripped my room apart. Pulled out the four years of stuff from under my bed and threw out heaps of blank paper or things from tafe I don’t need anymore, actually found my make up certificate! Also went through the top of my wardrobe which was kind of a war zone for the last four years, found my year 7 camp shirt and my year 7 shirt signed by all the people I no longer talk to or really desire to have contact with. Also found heaps of cute things from my childhood, I found my tooth keeper, the cute little fairy sitting on a toadstool, it’s a container I used to put my teeth in when I lost them as a kid and the tooth fairy would come. Amazing, I forgot I even had it. The inside of it is full of scribbles because I was a brat of a kid who didn’t know how much I’d value these things later. Also found those cute fair statues, a heap of photos, some stuff mum won and gave to me. I’ve donated about two large bags of clothes and I haven’t even cleared out the suitcase in my wardrobe yet, I’m dreading that one. My head feels clearer already knowing the clutter and mess is gone but I still can’t seem to fit all my stuff on my entertainment unit. I’ll have to rearrange some things I guess. Hopefully I can keep my room clean until my birthday (next Wednesday), first personal goal for 2013.